Lithium
by vargagirl
Summary: Peyton's sanity is slowly unraveling. Haley gets increasingly worried about her. But what if there's more going on than they both expected? Paley slash. S2
1. Give Unto Me

**A/N:** my first attempt at a OTH fanfic. you've been warned. this has no real strict time frame, kinda mid-season two i guess. not a lot of Lucas, no Nathan so far so don't expect it to go that route. WARNING: This will probably not happen the way you expect it to. So, don't expect anything. This was a product of lack of sleep and a blueberry muffin. And it's kinda cliche. But I'm okay with that. :o) Enjoy.

**Chapter One: Give Unto Me**

•••••

Peyton walked into Karen's cafe. It was noon so the lunchtime crowd was nearly overcrowding the place. She stood still just inside the door and watched all of the people eating. The little kids laughing. The families having their family conversation. She wished she could slip in to any one of their shoes. Just for a day. Just for a day's relief from her life.

She noticed a lone empty table in one corner and took a seat. She was still watching the people around her when she felt a body sit down on the chair next to hers. She didn't turn towards them.

"It's been a while since I've seen you." A familiar voice said.

Peyton turned toward her. She didn't expect to see the surprised look in her eyes though. She knew she looked different. She hadn't been sleeping much. Or eating much. She didn't expect it to be so obvious to her though. Peyton watched as a smile spread across her lips to attempt to mask her surprise.

"Yeah," Peyton whispered, having a hard time finding her voice.

"Mind if I spend my break with you?"

"It looks like you've already made that decision." Peyton said, giving Haley an attempt at a real smile. It didn't work well.

"Yup." Haley said with a grin. "You're stuck with me for the next five minutes. Cause if I take off more than that at this time of day, Karen will kill me."

"Now, why would I do that?" Karen said as she came up behind the two girls. Haley looked up at the woman, surprise making an appearance in her eyes. She flashed the woman an innocent smile, and received the same one back. "Uh-huh." Karen said dryly before turning to the blonde and giving her a real smile. "Hey, Peyton."

"Hi." She said, slightly nervous at being put back in the company of two people who used to know her. One she could kind of handle. Two, she wasn't so sure. Not now. Not so soon. When she saw a worried look appear on Karen's face, she was sure the woman could hear her thoughts. Read them in her eyes. She forced a smile that she was sure looked as genuine as it felt.

"You want something to eat?" Karen asked after scanning the filled room. She needed to get Peyton's order and two others and quickly.

"Um, yeah. Just a coffee and a blueberry scone."

"Simple. I've always known you were a smart girl, Peyton." She said with a wink. "I'll be back in just a minute." She said and hurried over to a neighboring table to take a second order. Peyton felt Haley shift her attention back to the blonde.

"So, where've you been hiding?" She asked as she picked a napkin out of the holder. She began slowly tearing it to little bits. Peyton watched out of the corner of her eye, wondering if everybody in the real world tore napkins apart.

"I-I don't know. I've just been busy lately." Been busy not being busy. It wasn't really lying, she thought. Not completely, anyway. Besides, Haley sure didn't need to know the truth. It wouldn't help anything.

"So busy you've started skipping school?" Haley asked, keeping her attention on the napkin. Peyton wanted to reach over and make it go away, tear the thing into shreds. The slow tearing was pulling at her nerves, but she didn't know why. She sat frozen in fear at the question.

Brown eyes were suddenly looking up into her own.

"What's been going on, Peyton?" Haley said, whispering so quietly that Peyton could barely make her question out over the chatter of the cafe.

"N-Nothing."

"Here you go, Peyton." Karen interrupted, placing the scone and cup of coffee in front of the blonde with a smile.

"Thanks." She answered, forcing another smile. All of this acting was starting to take it's toll on her. She was thankful for the coffee and all of it's caffeine. After the first sip, she could feel herself start to calm down. A little bit, anyway. It was certainly better than nothing. She took a bite of her scone and attempted to pretend that her conversation with Haley was a simple, non-important one and that she could just brush it off without even making it obvious to the brunette.

"When's your dad coming back into town, Peyton?" Karen asked gently. Peyton swore the woman had a look of concern in her eyes. It unnerved her having Karen look at her that way.

"He said he'd probably make it back for Christmas." It was September. She hadn't talked with her dad since August. She was sure she wouldn't see him again until the new year. Karen nodded, obviously sorry she had asked the question. Peyton took a second bite out of her scone.

"Haley, isn't it about time you get back to work so Karen won't kill you?" Karen asked, mocking the way Haley had said the same thing earlier perfectly. Haley looked at her watch and, while groaning, stood up and resumed her duties after giving Karen a slight death stare. Karen only grinned back at the girl before stealing her seat next to Peyton. "God. I don't know how long it's been since I last got off my feet." She said with a small chuckle, attempting to lighten Peyton's mood a little. She got no response.

"Peyton?"

The blonde forced herself to look at Karen.

"How have you been holding up lately?

"Fine." She answered casually as she took another bite of her scone.

"Lucas tells me you haven't been going to school much recently." She said, raising an eyebrow a little. She watched the blonde's movements carefully, hoping to get an answer that way instead, knowing very well she wouldn't get a verbal one.

"I've been sick." She said after glancing at Karen.

"Peyton. You know, if there's ever anything you need help with, you can come to me, right?" The blonde looked at her square in the eye, surprised by her words. Karen thought it looked like Peyton had something she wanted to say, desperately wanted to talk about. But no words came. Peyton nodded her head, causing a strand of curls to fall into her face. She hastily tucked it back behind her ear and took another sip of her coffee.

"Hey Peyton, Mom. What's going on?" Lucas asked as he sat down in front of the two women. He flashed them both his trademark grin and stretched out in his seat.

"We were just having a chat." Karen said and looked at Peyton again, giving her a loving glance. She was concerned about the girl, she knew that much. She also knew that it seemed that Peyton was changing, and not for the better. "I guess I should get back to work." She said as she stood up. She gave Peyton what she hoped was an encouraging smile and left the pair alone.

"What's going on, blondie?" Lucas said to Peyton, slightly teasing her. He was hoping it would provoke a smile from her. A smile lingered on her lips for a minute, but he could tell it wasn't a real one. She took a sip of her coffee before answering.

"You do know you're blonde too, right?" She asked in an even tone.

"I've been told that before, yes." This time it was a shadow of a real smile. It partially soothed his fears about her being in trouble. She must just be having a bad day. That's all it was. "You going to the party tomorrow after the game?" She shook her head no as she finished off the rest of the undersized cup of coffee. "Brooke's not dragging you along this time?"

"Brooke and I don't spend very much time together anymore." She said, keeping her eyes on her scone as she picked at the remainder of it. She could see his eyes narrow without even looking at him.

"Why not?"

"We've both just been busy. Doing separate things."

"Uh-huh." He said just as she heard the bell at the front door ring, signaling someone either entering or exiting the cafe. "Well, here's your chance." Peyton looked up at Lucas from her plate, not knowing what he was talking about.

"Huh?"

"Brooke." He said and nodded behind her. She turned in time to see her best friend walking up to the pair. Peyton put on her best fake smile that she was sure wouldn't come close to fooling the girl who she had known since before they both could remember.

"Hey Broody, P. Sawyer." She said and took a seat beside the former. "You gonna eat that?" Brooke asked, pointing to the half-eaten scone that sat in front of Peyton. Peyton pushed it towards Brooke, who devoured it quickly. "Thanks." Peyton nodded.

"So, Brooke, are you going to the party tomorrow after the game?" Lucas asked her. She raised her eyebrows.

"Is that tomorrow?" Lucas nodded. "Then I'll be there." She turned towards Peyton. "You coming?" She received a nod in the negative. "Why not?"

"I've got something I have to do."

"What?" Brooke asked, surprised. Peyton could feel the anger start inside of her. It was as though Brooke thought the only things Peyton ever did were with her, like Peyton had no social life, or any kind of a life, outside of being in Brooke's company.

"Something."

"The mysterious Peyton Sawyer is back. I thought we got rid of her when we were fourteen?" Peyton didn't reply. She stood up and walked over to the counter instead, ignoring Brooke's not so friendly comment. From behind the bar, Karen noticed her and walked over.

"What can I do for you?"

"Um, how much do I owe you?"

"Nothing. This one's on the house." Peyton looked a little surprised at the woman. She fumbled for words. "Think nothing of it. Just, on occasion, I like to spoil my son's friends."

"Thanks." Peyton said hoarsely. Karen nodded.

"Remember what I said earlier." She said in a hushed tone. "Anytime."

"Thanks." She repeated. "I have to go."

"Alright. Bye, Peyton."

"Bye." Peyton said and exited the cafe, attempting to put Haley, Brooke and Lucas out of her mind and retreat back to her world of solitude. She walked down the street, trying to ignore the small voice in her head that kept calling her name, over and over and over. The voice started becoming louder and louder until she realized it wasn't in her head. It was coming from behind her. The voice belonged to Haley.

"Peyton." She spun around to come face to face with the brunette. She was looking up at her, breathing heavily as if she had just ran a mile. "I kept calling your name, but you didn't stop." Haley said between deep breaths.

"I... I didn't hear you."

"Funny. I think everyone else on the street did." Haley said as she looked around self-consciously at the people nearby. "I wanted to talk to you." She added after putting her attention back on Peyton.

"About what?"

"I was wondering why you haven't been returning any of my calls lately." She said with uncertainty in her tone and in her eyes. Peyton squinted at her, wondering what lie to say next.

"I've been busy." Haley nodded.

"Can we talk?" She asked after a few moments of silence.

"Now?" Haley nodded. "I thought you had to work."

"Lucas took over for me." Haley looked around at the people surrounding them again. She then looked down at the ground for a second, before looking back up at the blonde. "Can we talk?"

"I guess."

"Let's walk." She said softly and they both started side by side in the direction Peyton was just walking. They spent the first few minutes in silence before Haley found the courage to start the conversation she had been thinking about for weeks. "Something's wrong with you, Peyton. I can tell."

"I'm fine." She responded, somewhat coldly at being accused of not being herself. She knew it was true, but she didn't want anyone else able to see it.

"You're not. Those words might work on everyone else. But I can see right through that act." Haley looked over at the blonde, who was refusing to look back at her. "I'm worried about you, Peyton." That caught the blonde's attention. She looked over at Haley.

"I'm fine. I promise."

"Then why aren't you going to school? Why'd you quit cheerleading?" Haley added in a quieter tone, "why do you look like hell?"

Peyton didn't say a word. There was nothing to say to those questions. She knew why everything was going on the way it was, but then again, she really didn't. Things were happening because of two reasons. She was destroying herself, piece by piece, but she couldn't explain why. Something was making her do it, but she didn't know what.

"Please. Just let me in." Haley whispered, almost sounding as though she were begging.

Peyton hated herself for doing what she was doing to Haley. She didn't deserve it at all. She knew she had to tell her something, even if it was a lie. She had to tell her so that she wouldn't be worried about her. She hated the thought of Haley worrying about her.

"I've just been having some sleeping problems." She said casually and looked over at the brunette. She couldn't tell if the lie was believed or not. "It's hard to go to school Without sleeping any the night before, you know? So I've been sleeping when I can which is usually the middle of the day. I'm trying to get it worked out, but it's just been difficult." She hated lying to Haley, but she knew it was for her own good. Nobody needed to worry about Peyton. She could take care of herself.

Haley gave her a look that made Peyton see she was unsure about letting the subject go. She slowly began to nod. "So, then, why didn't you just say that to begin with?"

"I would've, but the whole thing just sounds a little ridiculous, you know? Sleeping problems?" Peyton said in a mock, detached tone. "How lame can you be?" Haley laughed prompting Peyton to do the same.

"I guess that makes sense." She said, now seeming to believe Peyton. But only because she could see Peyton's old self starting to come back. It had been a while, so she was grateful to see her laugh again.

"So you're not worried anymore?"

"Nope."

"Good." Peyton said as she watched a bird take flight off of the path in front of them. It circled in the air twice before flying off into the wilderness.

"So do you think you're going to school tomorrow?" Haley asked, watching the blonde's movements. Peyton hesitated before smiling and looking over at Haley.

"Probably."


	2. Just Tonight

**A/N:** I forgot to mention a few things in the previous chapter. I don't own OTH. because if I claimed that I did, some evil monkeys would come abduct me in the middle of the night and this story would die right here. but I don't own it. Two, Haley and Nathan aren't together, and never have been. I think this chapter should give you a much clearer picture of where this is going than the previous one. And this chapter's kinda rush edited cause I wanted to get it posted before the school week started and because I've got a lot of homework tonight. And this note is probably too long, but oh well. I hope you enjoy this.

And thanks so much to the seven of you that reviewed the last chapter. I love reading all of your comments. Reviews keep me going with the story so thank you.

**Chapter Two: Just Tonight...**

•••••

Peyton took her seat in her third hour. It was English class. She was not looking forward to this hour. The reason for that walked through the door and sat down next to Peyton. Neither spoke a word to the other. Peyton didn't know what to say. Brooke knew not to say anything.

"Alright, class, take your seats..." was all the teacher had time to say before Peyton tuned him out. She pulled out her sketch pad and started a drawing of nothing. She wanted something to keep her from missing Brooke's little sarcastic comments about the girl sitting in front of her. And the way she would often mimic the way the teacher was talking. And the way they would pass notes from the beginning of the hour to the end talking about nothing but the party the previous weekend or speculating about the party that upcoming weekend. She needed something to keep her from missing her friend.

Not know what she was doing, she drew an outline of a figure in the distance with it's back to the viewer. She then drew someone in the foreground who looked a lot like herself, looking after the person. She wrote three words in between the two people- you'll never know. The bell rang. She stood up and found Brooke's eyes locked on hers. Peyton stood still, frozen in fear because she was sure she could see the hatred in Brooke's eyes.

Suddenly, Brooke turned and hurried out the door. Peyton watched as she left and then stuffed her notebook back into her bag and followed her apparently ex-best friend out into the crowed halls of Tree Hill High. She remembered why she had stopped coming here. She hated seeing Brooke every day. It reminded her that somehow, she screwed up. Again.

•••••

She looked around at the crowded parking lot of the school. An all too familiar silver Volkswagen flew by and she felt the hint of a smile that she had drop off of her face.

"Hey." She heard from beside her. Haley joined her on her walk to her car. Peyton put the smile back in it's place.

"Hey." She looked over at Haley and noticed how beautiful the sun shining down from behind her made her look. She frowned, wondering where that thought had come from.

"What's going on between you and Brooke?" Haley asked. Peyton could tell by the way that Haley looked at her that she was worried.

"Not much." Peyton said with a forced but still small laugh.

"But why?" Haley asked as they walked up to Peyton's car. Peyton fumbled for her keys as she pondered her answer.

"We had a fight."

"About what?" Peyton smirked.

"Truthfully, I don't really remember. I wasn't all there. I remember that we had a fight, but not the details." It was the truth. Every word of it. She was thankful that the truth was easy this time.

"What? Were you drunk or something?"

"Something like that." Again, it wasn't a lie. Thankfully, Haley didn't think much of her strange answer. "You wanna do something now? I was thinking about maybe going to see a movie."

"I can't. I've got to get to work."

"Oh ok. You want a ride?" Peyton asked, knowing very well that Haley was about to walk there. Haley raised an eyebrow at Peyton. She smiled at Haley's cute expression.

"You don't mind?"

"Hell, no. Hop in, Hales." Peyton said as she opened her own door. She got in and started the car, causing The Clash to start playing loudly from the speakers. Haley sat down beside her, and they were off.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Haley asked as they started their way out of the busy parking lot. Some truck pulled out in front of them, cutting in line and nearly hitting them, forcing Peyton to slam on the breaks. She cursed the driver which prompted Haley to laugh.

"Oh, that is so not funny." She said, looking over at the brunette. Seeing the girl barely able to contain her laughter caused a smile to spread across Peyton's face. "And to answer your question, no. But now I'm thinking of hunting that guy down and keying his truck." She said loudly over the top of the windshield at the guy in front of him. He apparently heard and gave Peyton the finger without even looking back at her. "Oh, he's so asking for it." She said angrily. Haley put a hand on Peyton's shoulder. Peyton looked over at her. She knew what Haley was about to say, "I know. He's just a jerk, get over it. I'm over it." She said forcing a smile. "As long as he gets out of my way soon."

She felt the hand be removed. The truck in front of her finally turned. She followed it. A song by the Ramones came on the stereo.

"I promised Lucas I would go with him to the party tonight."

"Haha, have fun." Peyton said and ended with a laugh. Haley looked over at her and gave her her best pissed off look which wasn't very pissed off. Peyton laughed a little more.

"Please, come with me."

"But I thought you were going with Lucas?" Peyton asked innocently. Haley groaned.

"You know what he'll be doing all night. Talking with Nathan. And the guys on the team. And Brooke." Haley paused, thinking mentioning the brunette around Peyton probably wasn't the best idea at this point. Peyton nodded. "You've got to come with me and save me from all of the boredom I'll be experiencing if I go by myself. Please, please, pleeeeease?" She said, clasping her hands together and sticking out her bottom lip.

"Why Haley James, are you begging?"

"Yes. Please go with me. I need the company. I'd owe you forever. Please?"

"Well..." She said and glanced over at the begging girl again. "All right." They pulled up to the cafe. Peyton pulled into a parking slot and put on the break.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you." Haley said, throwing her arms around Peyton in a tight hug. Peyton felt her heart skip a beat and her breathing speed up at the sudden nearness of the brunette. Before Peyton could respond, Haley was out of the car. "I'll come over at eight, ok?" Peyton nodded. "Thanks!" Haley said before walking away. Peyton watched the girl's figure until she disappeared through the cafe door. Her eyes unconsciously scanned the frame of the girl. Peyton sat motionless.

She could still feel her heart racing. It made her nervous. Lately, everything was getting to be too hard. First, she had her issues to deal with. And now these new feelings on top of that.

She knew she shouldn't feel this way. Not about her. But she couldn't help it. She was just hoping she could hide it. She could feel herself beginning to calm down. Wanting to put some distance between herself and the one that was occupying her thoughts, she sped away from the cafe, going well over the speed limit.


	3. Answer

**A/N: **third update in less than a week. not bad. don't expect me to always be this updatey. cause that's so a word. and I definitely plan on finishing it. it's just gonna take some time. i'm 18K words into it and i'm not sure it's getting close to the end yet. but we'll see. thanks so, so, so, so, so, so, so much to all of you wonderful chapter two reviewers. 

**Chapter Three: Answer**

•••••

She was sitting at her desk, putting on the finishing touches of her drawing from English when a set of knuckles rapped on her door. She silently motioned for them to enter and continued scribbling in an area near the corner of the page to emphasize the shadows. When she was satisfied with how it looked, she glanced over and saw Haley sitting on her bed, watching her.

"Hey. Ready to go?" Haley asked after being noticed.

"Yeah." Peyton said and closed her sketch pad. She dropped it on her desk as she stood up. She was surprised that it was already eight. Once she had gotten home after leaving the cafe, she had gone to work on her drawing. The time went by faster than she had expected. She grabbed her car keys and they were out the door.

Peyton spent the drive to the party in silence. She listened to Haley's babbling on and on about some subject, she wasn't sure what. She was too distracted with the way she was feeling to really pay attention to what she was hearing.

When they got there, she lost Haley in the crowd. When she found her, she didn't like what she saw. She was dancing with some guy Peyton didn't know. She wanted to pounce on him. She quickly turned away, tearing her eyes off of the couple. She noticed a jock tap a keg and thought that beer sounded appetizing. She quickly snatched up a cup and downed it, replacing it with a second.

"Having a rough night?" Lucas yelled over the music as he came up behind her. She nodded.

"It could be better." She said and finished the second cup. She knew better than to reach for a third with him standing right there. "Your's?"

"It's all right." He said and looked around for a second. "Did you come with Hales?" She nodded. "I'm surprised. I didn't think she'd be able to talk you into it."

"I wished she hadn't been able to," she muttered to herself.

"What?" He asked loudly and gave her a concerned look.

"Nothing." She noticed Brooke coming up behind Lucas and decided being caught talking with him probably wasn't the best idea right then. "I'm gonna go." She said and quickly left Lucas standing by himself. She was sure he wouldn't be alone for very long.

She grabbed herself another drink, walked outside and sat down by the house, overlooking the pool. She took a sip of her drink. She began coughing after nearly choking on the liquid. It wasn't beer. It was a cup of straight vodka. After recovering from the shock, she took a much smaller sip, and enjoyed the warmth of the drink as it traveled down to her stomach. She watched the crowd by the pool. Someone pushed someone else into the swimming pool, fully clothed. Then another dropped in. Then five more. She lost count after ten and stopped watching. She took another sip.

She thought about Haley dancing with the stranger. She had watched them for longer than she had cared to; somehow, she couldn't take her eyes off of the brunette. She had traced the curves of the girl as she danced. She thought now about it, how it had made her feel both nauseous and jealous. She wished it had been her dancing with Haley.

Her drink was empty now. She looked up from the bottom of her cup and noticed that things were starting to blur. She wondered what time it was. Haley. Haley probably had a watch. She couldn't find her feet to go see Haley. So she sat there, thinking. Thinking about Haley. She thought about Haley until Haley was standing in front of her.

"Let's get out of here." Peyton thought she heard her say. She nodded and somehow managed to stand. She walked all the way through the house to her car. She saw Brooke dancing with Lucas. Brooke saw her and gave her a look that Peyton was sure Brooke wished was a look to kill. It only annoyed Peyton.

She got in her car and started up the engine. She noticed Haley wasn't getting in. Instead, she was standing outside of her car door, looking at her.

"What?"

"You're not driving, Peyton. You're drunk."

She looked at Haley for a second. She could feel herself growing weary. She didn't want to drive anyway. She moved over to the passenger's side of the seat and relaxed. Haley got in beside her and began the drive back to Peyton's house.

"What happened tonight?" Haley asked her. She pondered the possible answers. The punch was spiked. The voices made her do it. Her dog ate her homework.

"I got drunk." She said plainly.

"Why?" Haley asked, a slight amount of concern showing through her tone.

"Youwere dancing with some guy so I decided to entertain myself. I didn't want to inter-rupt your fun." She said, slurring a few words together and tearing other words into two. She finally realized she really was drunk.

"You wouldn't have. I brought you here to have fun. You know, so I could see you some. But you disappeared and I couldn't find you. And a friend of my sister's, John, happened to be there. And I danced with him some, thinking you were probably just in the bathroom or something but I still didn't see you anywhere. So then I found Luke, and he said that he saw you go outside." Haley looked over at her. "Is everything okay? You don't normally do this kind of thing."

"I just felt like having a little fun tonight. Geeze, Hales, can't a girl ever let herself loose?" She knew she should've kept her mouth shut, but she didn't. She was too busy thinking about that John guy to be concerned about controlling herself.

Silence came between them. Peyton was sure she had said something that she shouldn't have, something that offended Haley. she couldn't bring herself to apologize. The alcohol wouldn't let her. She felt her eyelids growing heavier. She yawned. Twice.

They pulled in to the driveway of Peyton's house. Somehow, Haley managed to get a staggering Peyton into the house and up to her room. Peyton walked over to her bed, laid down and was out within seconds. Haley watched her sleep for a little bit, watching Peyton's stomach rise and fall with her breathing. Her nose twitched slightly causing Haley to smile. Peyton looked adorable when she was sleeping.

She walked over to the girl and removed her shoes, slowly and carefully so as not to wake her. She then found an extra blanket to cover her up with. Haley sat down at Peyton's desk and kept her eyes locked on the blonde. She wondered what had prompted her to get so incredibly wasted. She couldn't figure out why Peyton was doing this to herself.

She tore her eyes off of the girl and looked around her room. Her sketches covered the walls just as they always had, but somehow, tonight, they seemed different. Before they were drawings. Now, they showed themselves as pieces of Peyton's being. Her thoughts were tugged by what she had seen Peyton working on earlier. She found the end to her curiosity sitting just beside her elbow.

She flipped through the pages. Some were small, detail-less, five minute sketches. Others were obviously meticulously drawn. Through all of the unfinished drawings, one caught her eye. She stopped and looked at it closer.

A girl, obviously Peyton, was standing in the foreground looking into the background where a second person was standing. But this person wasn't in detail. They were just an outline, a shadow of a figure. Peyton was looking at them, longing for them. In between the two people it read "you'll never know." Below that, in parenthesis, and much smaller, it said, "I love you."

Haley knew everything Peyton drew had some connection to her personal life. She wondered who the person was supposed to be. Lucas. She felt a sharp pain in her chest. Peyton was in love with Lucas. She didn't know what to think about that. She looked over at the sleeping blonde, finally realizing exactly what was going on. She, Haley James, was head over heels in-

Suddenly, Peyton jumped off of the bed and ran into the bathroom. Haley heard gagging noises and immediately knew what was going on. She rushed after the girl.

Haley pulled Peyton's hair back out of her face as she threw up for a third time. She rubbed Peyton's back with her other hand, trying desperately to help soften the sickness but knowing there wasn't much she could really do.

Not much longer, Peyton's stomach was finally under control. She pushed herself away from the toilet and leaned her head back against the wall, feeling crappier than she had in a long time. She closed her eyes and realized how tired and sweaty she was. She felt a damp cloth being placed on her forehead. She thanked Haley but kept her eyes shut. She thought that if she opened them, if she moved one more muscle in her body, it might cause her to start vomiting again.

"Do you need anything else?" Haley asked.

"No. Thanks." She said softly. Her voice still seemed too loud in her head. It caused her to flinch. She suddenly remembered why she was feeling this way. She decided getting drunk was a pretty bad idea after all. "I'm sorry about tonight. That was just... dumb."

"It's fine. We all have bad nights."

Peyton dared herself to open her eyes. The lights were too bright in the bathroom and she shut them tightly closed. She heard the light switch being turned off. She opened her eyes again. This time, thanks to Haley, it was much darker. The dim lights from her room shone in, creating long shadows while keeping details in the dark. She looked at Haley, whom she thought was looking back at her. "Thanks," she whispered.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the clock in the bathroom tick seconds away. Peyton kept her eyes firmly on Haley as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Haley had her eyes cast on the floor. Peyton watched as Haley's eyes glanced over the tile, looking from one area to another. Her hair was tucked behind her ears; her eyes were tired.

She was bothered by what she had realized earlier. She was of course mistaken. She had to be. She didn't love Peyton. She couldn't. Not that there was anything wrong with that, she just knew that she didn't like girls. An image of Peyton kept intruding on her thoughts. She could picture the way Peyton tilted her head back when she laughed, the way her curls bounced around her shoulders. Realizing the way she was thinking, she knew she loved her. She couldn't help it. It was Peyton. And Peyton was... everything to her. She had been for quite some time. It was just the first time she was really willing to admit it to herself.

"Whatcha thinkin?" Peyton asked softly, knowing something serious was going on in that brain of Haley's. Her eyes shot up to look at Peyton, as if she were caught red handed. Peyton forced a smile, hoping to show the question was an innocent one.

"That picture you were drawing in class today... who's it about?" She asked after hesitating for a moment. It was Peyton's turn to feel unsettled. Why would she ask that? Did Haley know? Surely she didn't. "Are you in love with Lucas?" Haley didn't know.

"Lucas?" Peyton almost coughed on the name. She laughed a little bit to hopefully illustrate how absurd the idea was. "No. Not at all." She laughed a little bit more. Haley nodded and looked back at the floor. Peyton couldn't see a change in the girl at all. She still seemed to be bothered by something. "Are you okay?" She asked, wiping the grin off of her face. Haley's brown eyes were on her again.

"Yeah." She said slowly. "Yeah. I'm just tired."

"You wanna spend the night?" Haley seemed to perk up at the question. "I could take you to breakfast in the morning. It's the least I could do after dragging you through all this." She said with a smile and motioned to their surroundings.

"You don't have to."

"It'd by my pleasure. But sleep sounds really good right now." She used the bathtub to push herself up, off of the ground and was hit with another wave of nausea. Haley stood up quickly to help steady a wavering Peyton. "I'm good." She whispered after a few minutes. "Should just get to bed now." Haley nodded. They walked over to the bed, side by side, arm in arm. They got in bed and Peyton looked over to Haley. "Thanks for all this, Hales."

"For what, taking you to a party and abandoning you?" She said with a sarcastic laugh.

"No." For not giving up on me. "For taking care of me." Haley nodded. "Goodnight." Peyton said and looked back up at the ceiling, knowing if she looked into those brown eyes any longer, she might actually do what she had been wanting to since yesterday afternoon. Haley's lips seemed to be calling to her. She wondered if she was still a little drunk.

"Goodnight." Haley echoed and turned over on her side and away from Peyton. Peyton silently thanked the space put between them. It made it easier for her to breathe. She wondered if the sleep over had been a bad idea. No. She got to see Haley. That was good. Why did everything have to be so hard?


	4. Before the Dawn

**A/N:** so, so sorry that it's taken so long (relatively speaking). i was thinking about going in a different direction from what i had all ready written which is why it took so long, but then i decided against it. and this chapter is kinda boring. same with the next. but they're necessary. and these next few chapters are kinda light but everything will get darker. much darker if i can manage it. but if you don't like angsty plot lines, you should probably not get attached to this.

thanks to all of you who reviewed chapter three. ya'll are awesome. and if anybody is reading this but isn't reviewing: please review. it only takes a second and i really, really like hearing what ya'll think.

wordy, huh?

**Chapter Four: Before the Dawn**

•••••

She woke up around five that morning. She listened to the breathing beside her until five thirty. She got out of bed to go use the restroom. When she got back, she sat down at her desk. She turned the chair to watch Haley. Without thinking, she reached behind her and picked up her drawing pad. It was opened to the drawing from yesterday. She wondered why Haley was so concerned about the possibility of Peyton being in love with Lucas.

She turned to the next page and started drawing, using the small amount of sunlight coming in through her windows to see. She sketched the oval of a face. Then the pillow underneath it. Then the hand resting on the pillow. Then the wild strands of hair. She smiled as Haley's features came in to focus.

At eight, Haley turned over on her other side to face where Peyton had been laying. She quickly turned her sketch pad to another page as silently as she could. It wasn't very silent.

Haley looked over in her direction only to see Peyton engulfed in working on some sketch. She smiled. She sat up, causing the blonde to look at her.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." She said.

"Good morning, insomniac." She stretched her arms out in front of her. "How long have you been awake?" Peyton checked the clock.

"Three hours."

"God. Have you been drawing all of that time?" Curls shook to answer a no. "You should've woken me up. We could've hit ihop really early." She laughed a little.

"Next time, I'll be sure to drag you there at four. We can even go in our pajamas." Peyton said with a grin and looked up at the girl from her drawing to see that the idea was no so popular. "Then I'll let you sleep." Haley nodded then disappeared into the bathroom. Peyton's eyes unconsciously traced the girl's curves as she wondered when she had started feeling differently towards the brunette.

"You wanna do something today?" Haley asked after coming back into Peyton's room.

"Like go to breakfast?" Peyton smiled innocently after receiving a small frown from Haley. "No?"

"Actually, I'm not really hungry. But we can go if you want." She said as she sat back down on Peyton's bed and pulled a pillow into her lap.

"No. After puking my guts up all night, my stomach is a little opposed to the idea of food."

"Well, then, let's do something fun." Peyton heard a familiar pop song come out of nowhere. She looked at Haley who gave her a shy, innocent look before reaching in to her purse on Peyton's beside table. She pulled out a cell phone and looked at it. "It's Karen."

Peyton tuned out the conversation Haley had with her cell phone. Instead, she tried to put the girl out of her head, out of her thoughts. She thought back to the drawing she had done earlier. She imagined Haley's head back on the pillow in front of her.

"Peyton?" She looked back up at Haley, who she was sure had said her name more than once. She was off of the phone. "I have to go to work. I am so, so sorry. But a girl couldn't come in this morning cause her father's in the hospital so Karen needs me to come and fill in." Peyton felt her face go into an instant fake smile to ease Haley's apologies.

"It's cool." She said and nodded for emphasis.

"God, I really don't want to go though."

"But you have to." Haley nodded. "That's fine. Do you need a ride?" Haley gave her a lopsided smile.

"Do you mind?"

"Haven't we discussed that already?" Haley nodded then gave Peyton a small, apprehensive look.

"I hate to ask, but do you mind if I borrow something to wear? I don't really have time to go home." Peyton jumped off of her chair and went into her closet. Haley followed her.

"Pick your poison." Peyton said, realizing she might still be a little on the hung over side. Haley picked out some band t-shirt and a pair of jeans that neither were sure would fit her.

They both got changed and headed out to Peyton's car. Once inside, they left the house with Nada Surf blasting out of the stereo. They took part of the ride to the cafe in silence. Peyton had her eyes on the road, not realizing that Haley had her eyes on her.

"So you're not in love with Lucas?" Haley asked again after having the drawing pop back up into her mind. Peyton shook her head no. "Then who's in the drawing?" Peyton looked over at her in shock, causing her to swerve and nearly go up into someone's front yard. "Eyes on the road, Peyton."

She didn't know what to say to Haley. She could tell her the truth. But crashing into the front of somebody's house sounded more appealing. She could lie, say she had a crush on some guy on the football team, or the cute, new science teacher. She didn't want to lie.

"What makes you think it's a realistic drawing?" She asked, opting for being the one to ask the questions. Haley faltered for a moment.

"All of your drawings seem to have some tie to something you're going through. I assumed this one was the same." Haley paused. "Not to mention you just drove up into someone's yard when I asked an innocent question about it."

"Oh." It was true. All of her drawings, her good ones, seemed to have some connection with her life. Some had huge connections with it, others had vague connections. She decided then that she was going to start drawing random drawings of things she had no connection with to make it more interesting and keep people out of her personal thoughts and away from her secrets.

"So, who is it?"

"It was just a drawing, Hales." She said, knowing that was a lie. But she said it with a smile, even if it was a little forced. Haley seemed to buy it because that was the end of that line of questioning.

"Are you going to try to fix things with Brooke?" That caught Peyton off guard as well, but this time she managed to keep the car steady on the road.

"I don't know. It's really up to her. I don't know what happened so I don't know what I can do to fix it. If she wants to be friends again, I'm for it. But I can't make her." Haley nodded.

"When was the fight?"

"A couple of weeks ago." She thought. It wasn't last night, or the night before that, she knew that much. Beyond that, she wasn't sure how she had spent her nights. Haley nodded again.

Peyton pulled in to a parking space in front of the cafe. Haley turned towards her. "Maybe you should try calling her. Try to explain that you don't remember what it was and if she'd just tell you, then you could figure out how to fix it."

"I'll give it a try," Peyton said, not wanting to but knowing Haley was only trying to help. "You better get going." Peyton said after seeing Karen peer through the window at them.

"Alright. Thanks for the ride." Haley said and turned to leave. She turned back only a moment later. "You wanna come in for some coffee?"

"Nah. I'm gonna go think about the whole Brooke thing."

"Oh, okay."

"Later, Hales."

"Bye." She turned and went in to the cafe. Peyton sat there for a few moments, mulling over the whole situation with Haley. She then reminded herself, there was no situation with Haley. They were just friends. That's all they would ever be. She switched the cd to something angry and pulled out of the parking slot quickly. She sped down the street, hoping the wind would pull Haley out of her thoughts for a second time.


	5. From the Inside

**A/N:** didn't I update yesterday? teehee. again, this is kinda filler, but still kinda necessary. and after this, it will get kinda angsty. but enjoy.

to all my fantabulous chapter four reviewers- thankya mucho:o)

**Chapter Five: From the Inside**

•••••

She was putting on the finishing touches of her newest drawing when someone appeared in her doorway. She didn't know who she expected, but it wasn't Haley. A smile formed automatically as she closed her sketch pad.

"Hey. What's up?"

"Hi. I forgot my purse this morning." She said as she walked over to the bag, still sitting on the nightstand. She left out the part about intentionally leaving it there. She thought it might sound a little strange.

"Oh." Peyton's smile fell off of her face when she thought that was the only reason Haley had come by. She was hoping they could've done something. It was seven and she was beginning to crave her poison again. Instead, she thought it would be good to get out and do something to keep her mind off of that stuff. "You should've called. I could've brought it by the cafe, saved you the walk."

"Actually, I- uh- I wanted to talk." Peyton's eyebrow shot up.

"Ok. About what?" She said as she put the drawing pad on the table behind her. After a second of studying Peyton, Haley sat down on the bed facing her.

"Brooke came to the cafe this afternoon."

"Oh?" She asked, trying to sound interested but inside was freaking out. She didn't know if Brooke knew why she was in the state that she was that night. She didn't remember most of it. Just that there had been a bunch of yelling.

"Yeah. I talked to her about what had happened between the two of you. She said she was just angry yesterday because you haven't been returning any of her calls."

"She's not angry about that fight?"

"No. She said she forgot about that a long time ago. She just feels like you've been ignoring her." It was true. Peyton had been ignoring everything lately. School. Friends. Brooke. Herself.

"Oh. Well, I guess we're good then." She said with an uncertain smile. She wondered if the fight had been a dream.

"Yeah." Haley smiled. "You don't seem happy about that."

"No, I am. I'm just confused about the fight. But I guess since it was no big deal that I should just let it go." She forced a real smile to prove her point. Haley nodded. An uncomfortable silence ensued.

"You guys are boring."

Both of them turned to see Brooke standing in Peyton's doorway. Peyton wondered how long she had been standing there. "Hey, Brooke," she said.

"Hey best friend. Tutor girl, long time no see." She said sarcastically. "Are you two just enjoying the silence together or what?" She asked and laid down on the bed on her stomach, her chin held up by one hand. Haley looked to Peyton for an answer but she only shrugged.

"We were talking." Haley answered.

"Oh. About boys?" Brooke raised an eyebrow. "About that drawing yesterday?"

"Not again," Peyton sighed, but secretly shuddered. She knew Brooke had an edge on Haley when it came to Peyton's lying.

"Did you ask her about it?" Brooke turned to look at Haley, who was sitting beside her. She nodded. "So, who is it? Are you still hung up on Broody?"

"God, I'm never gonna live that one down, am I?" She said, again trying to joke to keep suspicion low. Brooke raised her eyebrow even higher. She knew something was going on.

"So, if it's not Lucas, who is it?"

"She said it wasn't about anybody. That it was just a drawing." She said, using the same tone Peyton had used when she had said it earlier. "Do you believe her?"

"No. Do you?"

"No, not really."

"I'm still in the room, you know." Peyton said, getting a little annoyed by their talking about her in front of her.

"Good point." Brooke said while still looking at Haley. She turned to Peyton, "so who's it about?"

"No one."

"You can keep saying that, but I don't think either of us believe it." She said and looked to Haley. Haley shook her head no. "Yeah, after having a small conference: we definitely don't."

"Well, then, ok." Peyton said, not really knowing what to say next.

"Aw, c'mon, Peyt. What's the big deal? Just spill it already." Brooke said, using the begging angle to get it out of Peyton. She knew that this always worked.

"Nope."

"But what do you have to lose?" My pride. My sanity. A friend.

"I don't know. What do you have to gain?"

"Oh, nice one. Well, if you tell us who it is then we can help you bag him." Brooke answered enthusiastically.

"There's nothing you can do to help."

"What? You don't think you can get him or something?"

"Something like that." Brooke gave Peyton her best surprised face.

"Are you kidding me, Peyton? You could totally have any guy in that school on his hands and knees." Peyton didn't respond. "You really don't think so, do you?" Brooke said more seriously.

"Not this time. This time it's just a one-sided thing."

"Why do you think that?" Haley asked.

"I know that."

"But why? You're smart, pretty, fun, who wouldn't fall head over heels in love with you?"

"Tutor girl's got a good point," Brooke added.

"I just... I know that there's no way that it would ever work out. It's just not meant to be. I mean, the other person only sees me as a friend. I know that. So there's no reason to put myself out there just to get completely shut down. I don't want to run the risk of losing them as a friend." She said, saying the majority of it to the wall behind Haley and Brooke, not wanting to see their reactions.

"But how do you know they're not in to you?" Brooke asked.

"I know."

"Is he gay or something?" Peyton fumbled for words. "Oh. You've got a crush on a gay guy. Oh my god, is it Mason? Cause I so totally had a crush on him last year." She didn't know what to say to that. She forced herself to nod just to get herself out of trouble. "Oh, God, Peyton, I'm sorry. It's so unfair that all of the good ones are gay."

"I know." Peyton said in a slightly insincere tone. She froze. Neither of the other two seemed to pick up on it. She breathed again. "I just don't know how I'm going to get over this." She said seriously.

"Are you really in love?" Haley asked. Peyton didn't see the fear in her eyes. But someone else did.

"Yeah." Peyton said while staring off into space. She never could have imagined what her words were doing to Haley.

"So, tutor girl, you like anybody?" Brooke asked out of the blue. Peyton looked at Brooke and then at Haley, very interested in the answer. A surprised Haley looked at Brooke.

"Why would you ask that?" She asked, hoping her tone didn't give her away.

"Just to hopefully lighten the mood a little." She said with a small, innocent smile. Haley wondered why it was the first smile she'd ever seen Brooke give that looked innocent.

"Well, the answer is no." She lied.

"Nobody?" She shook her head no. "Not even a little bit?" No again. "Interesting." Brooke said. "Well, I'm in the same boat. Nobody at all for me."

"Something tells me it won't be that way for long." Peyton said.

"Why do you say that?"

"Brooke, you've never been single for very long." Brooke nodded, admitting it was the truth.

"So I guess it's just us girls hitting the clubs tonight, huh?"

"What now?" Peyton said, as though she hadn't heard what Brooke had said. She had heard it and it made her panic slightly. She didn't want to be surrounded by that many people she didn't know right then. It was too much, too soon after the night before to do it all again. She wasn't ready.

"Nine o'clock alright?" Brooke flashed a not so innocent smile. Peyton knew she was doing this on purpose. But she didn't understand why.


	6. Out of Reach

**A/N:** against my better judgment, i'm posting this in all its unedited glory. it was written with tired eyes so please be gentle on the careless errors that i'm sure are there. hey, look. it's five thirty in the morning. 

to all the wonderful peeps that reviewed chappy five, woot woot. you rock. lol. thank yous.

**Chapter Six: Out of Reach**

•••••

"I think I see my next victim." Brooke said and walked over to some guy and dragged him out onto the dance floor. Peyton and Haley just watched, both wondering how Brooke did it. Haley looked back over at Peyton. Peyton smiled at her.

"She can sure go, can't she?" She said. Haley nodded as she gave a small laugh.

"She certainly can." Haley watched as Peyton looked back at Brooke. She studied her features as if she were never going to see her again. Peyton looked beautiful that night, even more so than usual. Brooke had insisted she dress up a little, wear something more impressive than some band's t-shirt. Peyton had said if a man was in to her, he would just have to get to love her t-shirts because they weren't going anywhere. Haley loved them. The one she had borrowed that day had smelled like Peyton. It was what had kept her going through the unusual chaos of the day.

"Let's snag you one." Haley snapped to when she heard Brooke talking to Peyton. She didn't know when she had come back. She quickly tore her eyes off of the blonde and onto Brooke. She was talking to Peyton. "Get your mind off of Mason."

"No, I'm good." Brooke turned to Haley.

"You want one?" She quickly shook her head no as she took a sip of her coke. "Then I guess I'll just have to entertain them all." She said as though she'd have to carry the burden alone and wasn't sure if she could handle it. She said a farewell and disappeared into the sea of undulating bodies, presumably on a quest for a specific one.

"I wonder if she'll ever get tired of guys." Peyton said as she watched after Brooke.

"My guess is no. She is Brooke after all." Peyton looked to Haley and smiled, giving her a sharp nod.

"True. I don't know how I could forget that."

"So do you really have a crush on Mason or were you just trying to throw her off of the scent?" Peyton raised an eyebrow. "You seemed like the whole thing was a bit of a joke."

"You're good." She added in a mock tone, "being in love with a gay guy is so difficult, it just might turn me gay." Both girls laughed. "I just didn't know how else to get her to stop asking me about it. This way, I figure she probably won't bring it up again." Haley nodded.

"You're probably right."

They spent the few minutes until Brooke got back in silence, neither one looking at the other. Peyton watched the dance floor while Haley watched the table. Brooke sat down across from the girl.

"Well, you two are certainly exciting tonight." They both looked up at her. "So, since you two aren't doing any talking, I guess it's up to me. Peyton, where've you been hiding for the last few weeks?" Peyton felt a little blindsided.

"I haven't been hiding." She said with a little laugh. "I've just been having some sleeping problems." She decided the best route was sticking to the lie she had already told one person. Brooke raised an eyebrow at her.

"Too busy thinking about Mason?"

"Yeah." She said quietly. She nodded for emphasis.

"God, that must be rough, Peyton." Brooke said and leaned over to give Peyton a hug. "Wanna drink? My treat." Peyton groaned.

"After last night? No."

"Why? What happened last night?" Brooke asked, looking from Peyton to Haley. She realized she was out of the loop. Peyton just shrugged. "Tutor girl?"

"Peyton got a little drunk last night."

"Ha! Try a lot drunk."

"Why, P. Sawyer? You don't get drunk."

"Just felt like it. Yesterday was kinda crappy."

"Aw, Peyton, I'm sorry." Brooke said as she gave Peyton another hug. "I should've been there for you."

"It's okay, Haley was there." Brooke pulled back and looked at Haley, a little jealous of her for taking her place.

"You were?"

"Only after abandoning her, first." Haley answered.

"You did not." Peyton said firmly.

"Shush," Brooke said to Peyton. "What do you mean abandoning her?" She asked, thinking there was much more to this story than she was currently getting.

"I left her to go dance with a friend of mine. Then she just disappeared. I found her later outside, very, very drunk."

"I wasn't that drunk."

"Peyton, you couldn't walk straight. You kept zigzagging on your way back to the car. I walked behind you to catch you in case you started to fall over. You were hammered."

"Did you take her home?" Brooke asked. Haley nodded.

"She took care of me." Peyton said softly. Both Brooke and Haley could tell she was grateful. "Thanks for that." Haley nodded.

"I'll do it anytime, just as long as you don't make it a habit of getting so trashed. It's not good, Peyton." Peyton looked away, almost in shame, and nodded. Haley and Brooke exchanged questioning looks. Peyton watched all of the bodies on the dance floor.

"Want one now?" Brooke asked her. Peyton looked up at her, wondering what she meant. "A boy? One of the guys I was dancing with said he has a friend who likes blondes." Peyton looked at Haley.

"Go ahead," Haley said with a smile, masking the pain she was feeling at thinking about Peyton dance with someone else.

"You sure?" Peyton asked. Haley nodded.

"You know, tutor girl, you could easily snag one of these guys." Haley shook her head no.

"I'm good, Brooke, thanks." She said. "You two go, have fun." Peyton gave her one more look of concern before Brooke whisked her away to the dance floor. She saw Brooke introduce her to two guys. One of the two gathered Peyton in his arms, the other disappeared, leaving Brooke standing by herself before turning and heading back to the table. She sat back down at her seat. "You're back?"

"Yeah. Turns out his girlfriend showed up." She laughed then took a sip of her beer. "His loss." She added before looking back out at the crowd.

Haley watched as Peyton and her new friend danced raunchily to the electronic music blaring around them. She couldn't make out his face but she was sure he was handsome. His arms ran over Peyton's body. Haley had to resist the urge to cry. She knew why she was feeling the way she was, but she didn't want to be. The guy leaned over and kissed Peyton.

The kiss seemed to drag on for hours. One led into another, and then a third, and pretty soon it was an all out make out session as they continued to grind to the music. Haley forced herself to look away, not seeing the point in hurting herself by watching. It was what Peyton wanted to do, so she should support it, even if it seemed to be a really bad idea.

"So why don't you tell her?" Haley looked back at Brooke, wondering what exactly the brunette was asking.

"Tell who what?"

"Tell Peyton how you feel."

"How I feel about what?" She asked, suddenly very nervous at the thought of Brooke knowing her biggest secret. A small smile spread across Brooke's lips.

"Don't play those games with me, Haley James. I can see it in your eyes just how you feel about her. Especially just now. Earlier I thought I was imagining it, but now I know."

"Brooke, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Haley, it's okay to feel how you feel. You don't have to deny it. I know historically you've been Miss Conservative but you can't change who you fall in love with. Just don't wait too long to let her know."

"I'm not telling her."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't lose her."

"You won't. I don't know who she's in love with, but I know it isn't Mason. She didn't fool me any more than she fooled you. I'm just humoring her. But she is in love with someone. It could be you."

"Ok, now it's the liquor talking."

"You know it isn't." Brooke said softly as she saw her boytoy coming up behind Haley. "Mind if I go dance a little?" Haley shook her head no, and Brooke was off again.

Peyton didn't know why she was kissing a guy who's name she didn't even know. She just knew she wanted to get a certain brunette out of her head, and kissing a stranger seemed the best way to do so. It didn't work. The brunette popped into the front of her mind again. She imagined they were kissing instead. She thought that Haley's lips must taste sweeter, be more gentle than his. She yearned to find out.

She kept dancing with him for the next few songs until she got tired of his demanding hands and lips. She pulled away and managed to get away from him by getting lost in the crowd. After a few minutes of walking throughout the crowd, she made her way back to the table, back to Haley. She was sitting where she had left her, with her face in her hands.

"Hey." Peyton said, causing Haley's head to shoot up and her eyes to lock on to Peyton. Peyton noticed that Haley looked as though she had been crying. "Are you okay?" Haley nodded.

"Yeah. I just choked on my drink." She said and attempted to laugh, but only managed to cough a few times. She hoped it helped convince Peyton of her lie. "I think I'm gonna go home." Peyton's small smile fell off of her face.

"Why?"

"I'm a little tired and I've got homework I've got to do tomorrow so I kinda need sleep tonight." She said, completely lying. She had finished her homework yesterday after she had gotten home from school. She just wanted out of there.

"Oh. Ok. Let me just get Brooke and we can go." Haley put her hand on Peyton's arm. Peyton looked down at it causing Haley to quickly remove it.

"It's fine. I'll just walk. It's just a few blocks."

"Haley-"

"I'll see you on Monday."

"But Haley-" Peyton called out after her as the brunette walked away. She didn't turn around. Peyton watched Haley leave as quickly as she possibly could. She watched her back disappear through the door to the club and sighed. She didn't know what had come over Haley. It seemed she almost couldn't stand being around Peyton. She cursed herself for leaving Haley to sit alone at the table.

"Hey, best friend." Brooke said as she sat down beside Peyton. Noticing they were missing a friend, she added, "where'd Haley go?"

"She left."

"What? Why?" Brooke noted the disappointment in Peyton's eyes.

"She said she was tired."

"So you let her go?"

"I didn't have much of a choice. She sped off before I could say anything." Peyton looked around the club for a moment. "I wanna get out of here."

"Good, cause John invited the both of us over to his place."

"Who's John?" She asked, more than slightly uninterested.

"The guy you were making out with."


	7. A Sunday

**A/N:** it's been two weeks. sorry about that. it's just been really crazy at school so the story kinda got stalled. this is the chapter that will give you the best idea of the rest of the story. it's the kinda cliche part. but i like it. so it stays. 

to all fantabulous chapter six reviewers: thank you thank you thank you. without the reviews, i would keep this story to myself, so thanks for taking the time to read and review. it means a lot to me.

**Chapter Seven: A Sunday**

•••••

Peyton got home around five the next morning. She and Brooke had gone to the apartment of the two guys they had been dancing with. She left Brooke making out on the couch with her guy and had gone into John's bedroom with him. She had somehow thought that sleeping with him was a good idea at the time. When she heard John snoring next to her two hours later, she had decided it was a really bad idea. Especially when she hadn't been able to find Brooke anywhere.

She had gotten dressed and slipped out of the apartment unnoticed. When she had gotten out of the building, she was grateful she had made sure to drive her car over there instead of riding in the guys' car. She wanted to make sure she and Brooke had an easy escape if they needed it.

She sat down at her desk, still in disbelief at what she had just done. She looked at her computer. Her web cam was running. She quickly threw a t-shirt over it to give herself some privacy. She sat back in her chair and became consumed with her thoughts. Thoughts of parties, and drinking, of Brooke, of John, of mistakes, of cocaine, of school, and of Haley.

She sat thinking until the sun started coming up. Her thoughts were overwhelming. She hated mornings; they always brought out the worst of her thoughts. She wanted them to stop. She didn't need reminding about how much of a failure she was. She knew it already. It had to stop. She had to make it stop. She could feel her breathing passage constrict and she inhaled sharply. She opened one of the drawers of her desk.

She did a few lines that morning, using up the remainder of the cocaine Rick had given her a few weeks ago. She had remembered the relief it had brought her from her thoughts the last time she had done it, how it had helped her forget about the crap that had been going on. How it was the cause of all of the crap that had been going on. She wondered how long she could go without it now that it was all gone.

Brooke came in a half an hour later and began asking questions about the previous night. Peyton forced herself to listen, even though one thing occupied her thoughts. She could feel herself already coming down.

"Did you sleep with him?" She heard Brooke ask.

"Um. Yeah." She answered as she tapped a pen on the arm of her chair. Brooke squealed her name.

"Why, Peyt?"

"Oh, please Brooke. You're not really one to give lectures about this." She noticed that Brooke seemed to be offended by her statement. "You're not." She repeated.

"Still. You're not one to go whoring around with guys you've just met." Peyton nodded.

"This is true."

"What's going on? You're acting strange." Peyton looked over at Brooke, who was a little fuzzy. She blinked her back into focus. "Seriously, Peyton, what's going on?"

"Nothing. I just decided to have a little fun. God, what's up with the third degree, Brookie?" She said and stood up. She walked over to her bathroom and looked in the mirror. She hated what she saw. She splashed some water on her face and looked back up at the mirror. She resisted the urge to throw a fist at her reflection. She walked away and went back into her bedroom. Where she saw two people where one had just been. "What are you doing here?" She asked him.

"I came to see you, baby." Rick said.

"Baby?" Brooke said as she got up off of the bed. "Peyton, who is this..." She resisted the urge to say jerk. "...guy?" He looked over at her then back at Peyton.

"Brooke, this is Rick." Neither of them looked at the other. "Brooke, weren't you just leaving?"

"No-"

"Yeah... yeah, I think you were." Peyton said as she grabbed Brooke by the arm and escorted her out of her bedroom door. "We'll talk later.

"But, Peyton-"

"Bye." She said and gave Brooke a little push towards the stairs. When Brooke got halfway down the stairs, she turned and looked back up at Peyton. Peyton waved goodbye and forced a smile. Brooke looked at her for a second before continuing down the stairs. Peyton watched as Brooke left out the front door. She went back into her room where Rick was now sitting on the bed.

"She gone?" Peyton nodded. "So you need any more?" She nodded again. "You under now?"

"A little."

"That's what I thought. She know?" He asked, referring to Brooke.

"No. And she's not going to." Peyton stuck out her hand, wanting what she thought he had brought her. He waved his finger at her.

"Not so quick, Peyton."

"What?" She asked impatiently, irritated that he came here without warning and then wouldn't deliver.

"You gotta give me something."

"Rick, I'm outta money right now. I can pay you in a few days." He shook his head no.

"That's not good enough, Peyton." She raised an eyebrow.

"I gotta have it today. I don't think I can get through the night tonight without it."

He looked as though he were thinking for a minute before saying, "I think there is something you can do for me that would count as payment."


	8. Meet Me At My Window

**A/N:** not much to say. lucky you. I'm tired so it's short. Sorry it's been so long, but this part had me stuck for a while. The next few parts are written and there's nothing to think about so I'll probably post the next chapter soon. 

Thanks to all six of you chapter seven reviewers. Thank you, thank you. Thanks!

**Chapter Eight: Meet Me At My Window**

•••••

She had gotten through that night without any problems. She had gotten through first hour without any problems. But second hour was hell. It was history. The teacher had pulled her out into the hallway during class to give her a lecture that consisted of yelling about the importance of attendance and the problems surrounding Peyton's slacker attitude. She had gone to the restroom after class to take a moment to breathe when she had realized she had something she shouldn't have in her pocket. She had put the vial in her pocket yesterday after Rick had left when Brooke had showed up again. That morning, she put on the first pair of jeans she could find which happened to be the same pair from the day before.

When the tears had formed in her eyes in the bathroom stall, she knew they day would be hard. It was too hard to be surrounded by so many people. Happy people. It reminded her of how everything in her life seemed to be wrong. She had taken out the vial. She knew it was the only way she could get through the next hour without crying in class.

She sat down in English. She could feel it working. She bounced her foot up and down, up and down while she tapped her pencil hard on her desk. Brooke sat down next to her and gave her a strange look.

"What?" Peyton snapped causing Brooke to recoil.

"What's up with you this morning?" She asked. Peyton shrugged.

"Nothing." She said and sniffled slightly.

Half-way through the class, she could feel it start to wear off. It unnerved her. She wanted more. She felt the vial in her pocket and smiled slightly knowing she wouldn't have to wait long until everything was okay again.

She went through the day in a haze. After every class, she took some, a little bit more each time. It helped her forget the monster mistake she had made yesterday by sleeping with Rick. It made her feel alive. Without it, she had nothing. She was nothing. She was dead, kept alive only by her beating heart. She did what she had to do to get through the day. By sixth hour, she was starting to feel sick.

"Are you okay?" She heard someone ask her after she sat down in her chemistry class. She turned towards Haley and nodded slowly.

"Peyt, what's wrong?" Lucas asked as he sat down in front of her. The bell rang just as she shrugged. Brooke sped into class late but managed to keep the teacher from noticing. She snuck into her seat next to Lucas and flashed a smile at her friends. She froze when she saw how pale Peyton was.

"Peyton?"

"I'm fine." She said, knowing what was coming next. She quickly looked to the teacher as he started talking. She could feel her insides churn at the sudden movement. "Oh god." She muttered. She jumped out of her seat and flew out of the classroom, making it into a bathroom stall and kneeling at the toilet before she threw up.

She threw up a second time when she felt someone's hands pull her hair back. She had no idea how long she was in there; it seemed like forever. The person was there the whole time. She kept hearing muttering voices behind her but failed to discern what they were saying. She felt tears start to trickle down her cheeks as her body continued to heave when nothing was left to purge.

She finally pulled back, her cheeks wet with tears and her body covered in sweat. She held her eyes tight and leaned into the person, not caring who it was but thankful that they were there. She could feel a hand gently rubbing her shoulder, giving her some comfort. She knew who it was. She didn't know how, but she knew it was Haley. It smelled like Haley. She opened her eyes.

"Thank you." She said.

"Do you want to try to walk to the nurse?" Haley asked. She shook her head a little too violently. She felt her stomach churn again, but nothing came of it. She stayed still, enjoying feeling the beating of Haley's heart against her back. She knew they'd never be quite so close again. She didn't want to move.

After minutes like that, she pulled away from Haley and began to stand up. Haley helped her, steadying her when she nearly fell. Their eyes locked.

"Thank you." Peyton said again. She wondered if the only thing she could do was say those two words. Haley probably thought so. Haley took Peyton's hand and guided her out of the stall, making sure to keep a small hold on the girl. Peyton was walked to the nurse in silence with Haley at her side.

She helped Peyton sit down on one of the beds in the nurse's office. The nurse wasn't there. She looked from the blonde to the door, wondering what to do next.

"Hello, ladies." They both turned to look at the nurse standing in the doorway. She looked from girl to girl and could easily tell who was the sick one. She walked over to Peyton and studied her for a moment. She then picked out a thermometer and took Peyton's temperature. "101." She said and looked at the girl. "You feel sick?" Peyton nodded.

"Before we came here, she was throwing up in the bathroom for about ten minutes." Haley added. The nurse nodded.

"You want to go home?" Peyton nodded. "What's your mother's phone number?" Peyton froze. Haley immediately looked to the girl, knowing that would bring up issues.

"Her parents are out of town." Haley said, hoping that would take care of that question.

"Alright, then who can I call to take you home?"

"Can't I just do it?" Haley asked. The nurse looked at her curiously. "She doesn't have anyone else to call."

"Then I guess you're just going to have to stay here. You can lay down and take a nap until school's over. There's just an hour left." Peyton nodded.

"Can I stay with her?"

"If you don't mind being counted absent from your seventh hour." The nurse said and left the girls to go sit at her desk.

"Haley, you should go back to class."

"No, I'm staying with you."

"You, Haley James, are willing to skip a class for me?" Peyton said, causing Haley to smile and nod.

"Yup. It's just astronomy. I can live with missing one day of astronomy." Haley said with a small laugh. Peyton just nodded. "You should take a nap."

"I'm not really tired."

"Just try. When your sick, you need extra sleep." Peyton looked at Haley uncertainly. "Just give it a try." After hesitating, Peyton nodded. "Good. I'll be right over there if you need anything, ok?" She said, waving behind her to a chair against the opposite wall.

"Yes, nurse."

•••••

Peyton had managed somehow to get to sleep in the nurse's office. She had woken when the bell signaling the end of the school day had rung and the chatter of students running by outside could be heard. She sat up and was hit again with nausea. In an instant, Haley was at her side.

"Are you okay?" She asked immediately, apparently seeing the illness in Peyton's features. Peyton nodded.

"Just a little sick. That's all."

"Are you ready to go home?" Peyton nodded. "Ok, let's go."

They had gotten their things from Brooke. She had taken them to her locker after they didn't come back to chemistry. Haley then drove the two of them to Peyton's house in Peyton's convertible. She helped her upstairs and continued to take care of her by helping her lay down, and then proceeding to take off her shoes.

"Haley?" She looked up at Peyton. "You don't have to do that." Haley blushed a little then nodded. She stood up and looked around the room, her eyes glancing from one thing to another nervously.

"Do you want anything? Something to drink? Or a blanket?" Haley asked, trying desperately to help Peyton.

"Maybe some water." She nodded and went down stairs, leaving Peyton alone. Peyton had managed to discard of the empty vial in her pocket by tossing it into the trashcan under her desk. She then pulled her hair back with a tie from the bedside table. Haley returned to her bedroom with Brooke right behind her.

"Hey, P. Sawyer. How are you feeling?" Brooke said as she sat down at Peyton's desk. Haley handed Peyton the glass of water. Peyton took a sip and then sat it down on the nightstand.

"Better."

"Is tutor girl taking good care of you?" Peyton nodded as she looked up at her new caretaker. "She better." Haley looked at Brooke who gave her a nod. "You better." Brooke smiled.

"I'll try my best."

"I tried to go after you during chemistry but Mr. Andrews stopped me at the door. He said something about it being a nice attempt at skipping and made me stay in class. Sorry about that." Brooke said. She kept looking back and forth from Peyton to Haley. Peyton was watching her, but Haley was watching Peyton. This made Brooke smile. Peyton nodded. "I'd love to stay longer, but I gotta go to cheer practice. I'm late as it is. But I wanted to ask if you wanted me to take the second shift?" She asked Haley.

"You don't need to. I'm fine with staying here."

"Um, guys-" Peyton started.

"But you shouldn't have to take care of her all night. I'm sure you've got homework or something to do, right?" Brooke asked Haley.

"Guys?" They both turned to look at Peyton. "I was kinda hoping to get some sleep." Brooke smiled. "If it's all right with the committee?" Brooke looked to Haley, who pretended to be opposed to the idea but after indiscernible whispers with Brooke, she nodded slowly.

"I suppose." Brooke said with an eyebrow raised at Peyton. "But if you need anything, call one of us."

"Anything at all." Haley added and Brooke nodded.

"Ok. Now get out of here so I can sleep." Both girls walked closer to the doorway.

"Remember- call if you need anything." Brooke repeated.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Anything. Now go." She said and smiled. After saying goodbyes, Haley and Brooke both left her room. She waited until she had heard the front door close to take a breath.

She had lied to them. They were helping her because they thought she was sick, and she had lied to them. She had played along. She didn't deserve them. She wasn't sick. She had done this to herself. She doesn't deserve anyone to take care of her.

She laid further down on her bed and pulled the blankets over her. She rolled over on one side and closed her eyes. Without wanting to, her thoughts rolled back to the day before. She immediately pushed them out of her head and prayed for sleep to come take her for a while.


	9. Sick In Her Skin

**A/N:** second chapter in one day. It was suggested which caused me to think, hey, why not? but this one's short so you might not be quite so happy. 

Thanks to all five of you who managed to submit reviews for chapter eight in that ten hour window.

**Chapter Nine: Sick In Her Skin**

•••••

She woke a few hours later, her body covered in sweat. Her cheeks were wet. She had been crying in her sleep. And she was still crying. She could feel his hands on her. It made her feel sick. She pushed the blankets off of her, hoping it would help. It only made her feel alone.

She buried her face into her pillow and sobbed. She had been such an idiot yesterday. She was no better than a prostitute. Hell, the one's without drug addictions were better than she was. She started sobbing harder.

She felt a set of fingers run through her hair. She immediately pulled away from the person and willed herself to stop crying. She wiped the tears away as she sat up. She came face to face with Haley.

"Hey, pretty girl." Haley said as she gave Peyton a small smile.

"Don't." Peyton squirmed after sitting up. She couldn't bring herself to keep her eyes on the girl in front of her. Haley's words only made her feel worse. She wasn't a pretty girl. She was a slut. A coke addicted slut. Haley's smile dropped off her face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Peyton, you're crying."

"Please go." She whispered.

"You don't want to talk about this?"

"Please. Just go." Peyton whispered again. She still couldn't meet Haley's eyes. She thought if she looked at her, Haley would be able to see exactly what Peyton was. Haley stood up, off of the bed. She walked to Peyton's doorframe.

"Call me if you need anything." Haley said and left.

Peyton buried her face on her pillow and began sobbing. She didn't know why everything felt different. She didn't like it. She didn't like being bitchy towards Haley whenever the only thing Haley wanted to do was help.

•••••

Haley walked down Peyton's street, away from the girl she loved. She didn't understand what had happened to her. Or why she had pushed Haley away so quickly. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek at the thought of Peyton being so upset. She quickly wiped it away.

She had heard Peyton's sobbing after she left. She wanted to run back in, take Peyton in her arms and tell her everything was going to be all right. That they could get through anything together. But she chose to do what Peyton had supposedly wanted her to do. She left.

"What's wrong, tutor girl?"

Haley looked to her right to find Brooke's car cruising beside her, going the wrong way on that side of the street. Haley stopped. Brooke did the same.

"What are you doing here?"

"Uh, driving." Brooke said, causing Haley to smile. "I was on my way to Peyton's to check on her. But it looks like you just came from there."

"Why do you say that?" She asked nervously.

"Why else would you be on this side of town?" Brooke watched Haley's expression go from on edge to one of surrender. "Come on. Get in." She looked at Brooke sideways. "I promise I won't bite. Now get in." Haley did as she was told. "Now what happened?" Haley turned toward Brooke as Brooke pulled to a stop on the side of the road. She put the car in park and turned to Haley.

"I went to check on Peyton."

"Ok. Then what happened?" Brooke said, realizing it sounded a little too impatient. She put her hand on Haley's arm to let her know that she really did care.

"She was crying and wouldn't talk to me." Haley said softly. Brooke could tell the girl was shaken.

"Well, what'd she say?"

"She said that nothing was wrong, which was obviously a lie, and then she told me to go." Brooke watched Haley's expression. She was afraid for Peyton. This only further justified the suspicions she'd been having about Peyton lately.

"And that's it?"

"Well, I left. I think you should try to talk to her."

"Ok, then let's go talk to her." Brooke said as she started the car towards Peyton's house again.

"No. Right now, I really think she wants to be alone." Brooke looked curiously at Haley. "She definitely doesn't need us tag teaming her." She added as they slowly drove past Peyton's house.

"All right. I'll go by her house tomorrow to talk to her about it. See if I can get her to open up, okay?" Brooke said, hoping it would help soothe Haley's fears a little bit.

"Thank you."


	10. The Rest Is Up To You

**A/N:** look at me, i'm on an updating roll. well, here's chapter ten. don't expect another update today, probably not even tomorrow. the next chapter isn't playing nice. 

To the fantabulous chapter nine reviewers, thank you so much for reviewing. I love reading everything you guys have to say.

**Chapter Ten: The Rest Is Up To You**

•••••

Brooke let herself in to Peyton's house the next afternoon. Peyton hadn't gone to school that day. Even though Brooke had expected it, she still felt uneasy about Peyton's absence. She took the stairs up the room she knew better than her own.

Peyton was laying on her bed with her eyes closed. But Brooke knew she wasn't asleep. Peyton had never been able to sleep on her back and Brooke knew it.

"Hey, best friend." She said putting on her best happy mood. "I know you're awake. You can't fool me." Peyton opened her eyes and found Brooke standing in her doorway. She walked over and sat down on the bed beside Peyton. Peyton forced herself to sit up. She pulled back, away from Brooke a bit. Brooke noticed.

"Hi." Peyton said as she folded her arms across her stomach then forced a smile that she was sure Brooke would see through. Brooke did.

"What happened yesterday?" Brooke asked. Peyton stared at her for a moment, wondering how Brooke didn't know what had happened.

"I got sick."

"No." Brooke said as she shook her head slightly. "When Haley came by to check on you." Peyton shifted nervously. She tore her eyes from Brooke and looked at the wall in front of her. "She was really upset." Peyton's eyes were back on Brooke again. Brooke could tell that Haley being upset didn't sit well with her. She decided to ask something that she had been wondering for a while. "You like her, don't you?"

"Of course. Why do you think I hang out with her?"

"No, no, no. That's not what I mean. I mean do you like her, like her?" Brooke stressed the last few words of that sentence. Peyton became even more uncomfortable at that question. "You do, don't you?"

"Brooke-"

"Peyton, it's a yes or no answer." Peyton's eyes fell to the floor as she weighed the possible outcomes. She knew Brooke already knew. But saying it out loud, confirming it, might somehow change everything. She was scared. "It's okay if you do, you know." Peyton nodded.

"I do." She said, then added quickly, "but you can't tell her."

"I won't." Brooke said. "But I think you should. Only after you get done telling me what the hell happened yesterday that made you cry?" Peyton looked away again. "If something's bothering you, it's best to talk about it." She added, reciting the line Peyton had given her countless times.

"I'm not talking about it, Brooke, so just drop it." Peyton said, a little too loudly for Brooke's ears.

"I think you should. If not to me, at least to Haley. She's really worried about you, Peyt."

"She shouldn't be. I'm fine. Now would you just drop it?" Brooke held her hands up in defeat. She would let it go for now, but she wasn't going to forget it until she was sure the blonde was okay.

"Fine."

•••••

"Knock, knock."

She didn't turn towards him. She thought that if she were to just ignore him maybe he would get the picture and just leave. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she knew it would take more than ignoring him for him to understand.

"Don't touch me."

"What's the matter, Peyton? Run out all ready?" She shuddered knowing that he knew. "That's what I thought. I came back to supply you with some more." She quickly turned around in her chair to look at him. He smiled innocently.

"Rick, I don't want any more of this. I'm done. I'm not gonna be your little whore anymore."

"I just came to give you this, Peyton. No strings attached." He said as he sat a vial down on her desk behind her. "That's all." He said and exited her room. She stared at the empty doorway for a few minutes, confused by his sudden change of behavior.

She turned back around and saw the vial of cocaine sitting on her desk. It was bigger than the one before, twice the size. She grabbed it and threw it in the trashcan under her desk. She wasn't going back down that road again. She refused to.

•••••

Peyton opened the door to Karen's cafe five minutes after closing time. It was dark outside; the streets were practically empty. The bell above her rang. She heard shuffling from the back of the cafe.

"We're closed." A voice yelled from the back. It was Haley. Peyton walked a few steps into the room and looked around, attempting to calm her nerves with some distraction. The place was dimly lit. The chairs were up on the tables. It looked as though Haley had closed up a little before the actual closing time.

"I said we're closed." Haley said just before popping around the corner. She faltered when she saw the blonde, standing nervously in the center of the cafe, clutching her jacket tightly around her frame. Haley walked up behind the counter and gave Peyton a smile. Peyton gave her a much smaller one in return. "What's up?"

"Um... nothing. Really."

"Do you want something to eat?" The blonde shook her head no. "Drink?" Again, no. Haley waited patiently, knowing why Peyton was there. She knew Peyton would start when she was ready. She was willing to wait.

"I'm sorry... about yesterday." Peyton's gaze darted around the room, occasionally stopping on Haley. "I don't really know what happened. I shouldn't have snapped at you like I did. Especially after the way you took care of me." She paused. "I don't really have anything else to say other than I'm sorry." She turned to leave.

"Peyton." Peyton stopped with her back to Haley. "There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm just worried about you."

"You shouldn't be." Peyton turned to face her, to prove that what she was saying was true. "Whatever happened to me yesterday, it made me... a little off. I just-I had some funky dream that got everything screwy for a little while." Haley nodded. They stood in silence for a moment.

"Are you feeling better today?" Peyton nodded. "Good." Peyton nodded again. "So what was it then, just some twenty-four hour bug or something?" Peyton shrugged.

"Must have been."

The bell behind Peyton rang; another soul entered the room. Peyton noticed Haley's expression change from concern to happiness. Peyton turned to see who had come in behind her. It was some guy she was sure she had never met. But he looked familiar.

"Hey, John."

"Hey." Haley walked around the counter and over to the other two. "Peyton this is John. John, Peyton." Peyton gave him a nod.

"We've met." He said. Peyton and Haley both looked at him surprised. Haley then looked to Peyton, who was obviously dumbfounded. "The other night at that club?" Peyton shook her head no, obviously not remembering what he was talking about. "We slept together."

Haley stared at John for a moment, not sure she had heard him correctly. But when she had looked at Peyton and observed her guilty expression, she knew it was true. Peyton had slept with the guy she was dancing with at the club and she didn't even remember him. Haley could feel a sharp pain in her chest. She wondered if this was what a heart breaking felt like.

"Should I go?" John said, his voice barely making itself heard through all of the thoughts Haley was thinking. Haley looked at him.

"No. I was just leaving." Peyton said. Haley turned to look at her again. Peyton smiled at her sadly and attempted to walk around the two of them. John stepped into her path. They were inches apart.

"I had a good time the other night. If you wanna do it again sometime, call me." He reached down and pulled her hand up. He pulled out a pen from his pocket and wrote down his number in the palm of her hand. He turned her wrist over and kissed her on the back of her hand. Peyton looked at him with hatred in her eyes. She quickly pulled her hand away from him and left the cafe. Haley watched after her, wishing that she could get Peyton to talk to her about what was going on. And wishing she could have Peyton to herself. Peyton walked across the street and disappeared out of the window frame.

"So this is why you won't go out with me." She heard John say. She looked at him, very confused by what he meant. "You're in love with Peyton."

"What?" She coughed out.

"I can see it in your eyes. You love her."

"That's ridiculous."

"You and I both know that it's not." Haley looked back where she had last seen the blonde. She wished that Peyton would come back and talk to her. But she knew that wouldn't happen. She knew that Peyton didn't talk. She thought for sure that would be the girl's downfall.


	11. Holiday From Real

**A/N:** last update for the weekend, maybe the week. school is back tomorrow, argh. 

To everyone who's reviewed during this updatey weekend, thank ya'll so much. those reviews keep me writing this story. they really mean a lot to me. so thanks for taking the time to read and then review.

**Chapter Eleven: Holiday From Real**

•••••

Peyton dug through her trash can. She remembered throwing it in there. It had only been a few hours ago. How could it possibly have disappeared in that time? She tossed crumpled balls of paper and candy wrappers and Coke bottles behind her until she saw it. She pulled it out quickly and ran into her bathroom. She dumped some of the contents onto the back of a cd in three lines. Within seconds, they were all gone.

While she waited for the drug to consume her, she felt a wave of guilt flood over her. She remembered the disappointment in Haley's eyes when she had found out about her sleeping with John. She also saw pain. It looked as though her world was falling apart. It made Peyton think there was more going on between Haley and John then Peyton had originally thought. It looked as though Haley had feelings for him. She cursed herself for hurting Haley like that.

Finally, she could feel it working. A smile slowly grew on her face. She wanted to do something she hadn't done in a long time. She grabbed her keys and ran down to her car. She sped down the street with the top down blasting "Anarchy in the UK" through her stereo. The speed limit was twenty-five. She was going forty-seven.

She turned on to main street. Most of the lights were already off and less than a handful of people lingered on the sidewalks. With the wind flowing freely through her hair, she screamed at the top of her lungs, grateful for finally feeling something other than anger and disappointment. She ran one red light.

The song changed, she didn't notice what to. She was finally happy. No more thoughts about her fuck ups in life, or Rick, or anything else bad. It was just her, her car, the road and the moon. That was all that mattered. She knew the moon wouldn't sell her secrets.

She sped down the road that ran along the river. She began a race in her mind with the lone barge on the river. She passed it then pressed harder on the gas. She looked behind her to see that she had won. It was easily a mile behind her. When she turned around, she was on the wrong side of the road with a truck coming directly at her. She swerved back into her lane just in time. Two seconds later and she would've been more than a little sorry.

Head lights were suddenly shining from behind her. She pushed harder on the gas to get away from the asshole that was driving too close to her. He sped up as well. She took a few quick turns and managed to lose him. She laughed at him then called him a few names at the top of her lungs.

She continued to drive around the small town for the next fifteen minutes before she felt herself start to calm down. She hadn't done this in a long time, but it no longer sounded like a good idea. When she pulled onto her street, she was surprised by what she saw. She parked in her driveway and walked over to him. He was leaning against the side of his truck with his arms folded over his chest.

"What are you doing here?"

"What were you doing on Riverside?" He asked her. She laughed.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Luke." She said as she patted him on his shoulder. She tried to walk away. He grabbed her arm and forced her to turn around and look at him. "God, Lucas. What the hell?"

"That's what I'm trying to ask you. You nearly ran into me, Peyt." She suddenly felt anger rise up in her.

"Don't call me that." She nearly growled.

"Are you drunk or something?" He still held her too close.

"No." She said softly, her discomfort growing.

"You sure, cause you're not acting right."

"God, Luke, did you want something?" She said, suddenly getting her nerve back. This was Lucas. She was safe with him, even if she didn't feel quite so safe being so close to him right then.

"I came to see what was going on with you. You were going sixty when you should've been going thirty. Something's going on." She could feel his breath on her face. He must be angry at her. She closed her eyes and could feel her knees buckle underneath her. His strong grip kept her from falling to the pavement. "Peyton?" He called, his voice suddenly sounding very distant. She felt someone shake her and she forced her eyes open again. Lucas was there.

"Hi, Luke."

"Come on, let's go inside." She nodded. She took a few steps towards the house with his assistance. She saw a set of headlights pull into her driveway. They disappeared, leaving a car behind. A familiar brunette got out of the car and ran over to them.

"Hey, Brookie." Peyton said.

"What happened?" Brooke asked Lucas. Peyton looked from Brooke to Lucas, the sudden movement making her dizzy. She clung to Lucas tightly.

"She nearly fainted."

"You called me over here at midnight because Peyton nearly fainted?" Brooke asked, beginning to get a little angry at Lucas.

"No. Brooke, just help me get her inside." Brooke pulled Peyton's other arm over her shoulder. She and Lucas helped the blonde upstairs and into her room. Lucas left while Brooke helped Peyton get changed and into her bed. Brooke waited for Peyton to fall asleep before she went in search of the other blonde. She found him in Peyton's living room.

"What happened?" She asked him, now worried because she knew Lucas wouldn't have called her unless something bad had happened. He took a deep breath before answering.

"She was speeding big time down by the river and nearly hit me. I called you because I knew she needed her best friend. Something's not right with her, Brooke."

"I know. She's been really on edge these past few days." She said with a nod. They stood in silence for a few moments, wondering about the blonde sleeping upstairs. "Thanks for this, Luke." He nodded.

"I'd stay longer but I really need to get home. My mom's gonna kill me for being out this late." He said with a small smile. She nodded. "Is that okay? I can stay if you need me to."

"No. You go. You've done everything you could." He nodded.

"What are you going to do?" He asked.

"Stay here tonight. Talk with her tomorrow."

"Do you think she's okay?" She hesitated at that question, before deciding to answer truthfully.

"I don't know, Luke. I really don't know."

•••••

She woke up the next afternoon. It was Wednesday and she knew by the time she had woken up that she had missed the school day entirely. She rolled over. Her bathroom was just as she had left it the night before. The open container was still sitting by the cd. She stood up and walked over to it. The mirror forced her attention on it. She looked at herself.

She was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday. Her hair was all over the place and her skin was pale. She looked like she had just come back from hell. She couldn't stand looking at herself anymore so she quickly tore her gaze from the mirror. She looked back down at the cd on the counter in front of her.

Her memories of the night before came flooding back to her. She remembered the drive, the near accident, the near collapse, and Lucas and Brooke. She didn't remember getting into bed. She wondered what really happened last night. She wondered if they knew, if they had figured out why she had been so different. She couldn't let them find out.

She picked up the vial and turned it upside down over the toilet. She flushed it and watched the contents go down the drain. She sighed, thankful that slipping up again was no longer an option. She left her bathroom, in search of something else to do. She sat down at her desk and looked at her computer. The web cam was as she had left it three days ago. She didn't dare allow the world to see how crappy she looked. She turned around.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came back to see how you were doing."

"Don't lie to me. You don't give a shit about how I'm doing. All you want is some ass." She said as he walked closer towards her.

"Peyton, Peyton, Peyton. Calm down, sugar." He brushed his fingertips against her cheek. She pulled away after she realized what he was trying to do. He nodded and looked around her room. He walked into the bathroom and picked up the vial. "I see you're quite the binger." He said with a laugh and turned towards her. She squirmed under his gaze.

"Why don't you just leave?" She asked, her voice slightly wavering.

"Because I don't want to. Not until I have you again." He said as he came closer to her. She stood up to keep him from cornering her. He cut in front of her as she tried to pass, their faces now inches apart. "Don't tell me you didn't enjoy the other day."

"I didn't."

"Liar." He whispered before leaning down and catching her lips in a gentle kiss. She didn't try to resist. He pulled back and said, "now that wasn't so bad, was it?" She shook her head no automatically. He pulled her back into another kiss, this one rougher and more passionate than the last.

She let him undress her. She didn't really know why. She thought it was nice to feel wanted; it made her feel alive. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he really wanted her. She felt it in his touch. She wanted to be wanted by somebody. It made everything else go away. All of the pain and the anger was gone. Until it was all over and he was gone again.


	12. Weight of the World

**A/N:** this isn't really edited so.. it's probably not the best. 

To all of my fabulous chapter eleven reviewers- thank you!! I seriously hope you guys like this chapter. and i'm stoked you guys have liked it so far. ya'll are the bestest.

**Chapter Twelve: Weight of the World**

•••••

Brooke drove back to Peyton's house that afternoon. She had spent the night with the blonde but failed to get her to go to school that morning, so she had gone by herself. She turned onto Peyton's street when she saw an unfamiliar car in the driveway. It pulled out before she reached the house and turned towards her. She squinted to see who was driving the car as it passed.

She parked in the driveway and hurried up to Peyton's room. She stopped in the empty doorway. Peyton was sitting at her desk, staring off into space, apparently lost in thought.

She wished she hadn't done it. She sincerely wished she could've taken it back, redone the moment and refused to do it. But she couldn't. She didn't know why she did it. She remembered feeling wanted, but it didn't seem like it was enough to make her want to go back down that road again.

She heard someone clear their throat. She thought it was probably Rick, coming back to laugh at her for being weak. She turned to look at him, instead finding Brooke. She forced a smile as she concealed the vial in her hand and moved it out of Brooke's eyesight. She didn't seem to notice.

"Hey." Brooke's eyes were filled with worry.

"Hi." Peyton replied softly.

"Why was Rick here?" Peyton's eyes went wide.

"Rick?" Was all she could think of to say. She knew it was a mistake.

"Yeah. Rick... that sleazeball that was here the other day. I just saw him leave here."

"Oh." She said after pondering the possible answers to Brooke's question. She couldn't think of anything to say other than the truth, and that simply wasn't the right thing to say.

"Peyton, what's going on?" Brooke asked.

"Nothing." She said firmly. She was beginning to get annoyed with constantly having to prove she was fine to Brooke.

"Then what happened last night?"

"Nothing." Peyton said as she stood up. She walked over to where she kept her records and began looking through the albums, attempting to get away from that line of questioning. She felt Brooke standing close behind her.

"Talk to me." She heard Brooke say softly. She spun around to look at Brooke.

"There's nothing to talk about." Peyton answered, causing Brooke to shake her head no.

"There's last night, last weekend, and now this." She said and motioned behind her to the bed, where the sheets told of the mess that was the previous hour. "You slept with the guy at the club, and now that Rick guy? Peyton, two weeks ago, this was not you. Something has changed." She expected Peyton to say something. The blonde only looked away from her. "I don't like what I'm seeing, Peyt."

"Then maybe you shouldn't come over here without warning. Maybe not even at all." Peyton said quickly. She hadn't meant it; she loved Brooke. But it was too late, and she was against apologizing. She watched Brooke's reaction go from shock to anger to concern in less than thirty seconds.

"I'm not leaving so you can hide from this. We need to get you through whatever this phase is. What are you trying to do anyway, get Haley off of your mind?" Brooke asked, honestly wondering if that was Peyton's motivation. Peyton's eyes went wide with anger.

"Get out." Peyton said, almost growling. She could feel her blood boil at Brooke's mention of her liking Haley. She didn't know why, she didn't even wonder why, but Brooke knowing about her feelings made her even more furious.

"What? I was just wondering." Brooke said, surprised by Peyton's reaction. Peyton didn't seem to change.

"Get out. Now."

"Peyton-"

"Go." She said loudly, almost yelling. Brooke stood still. She knew Brooke had heard her. Brooke nodded slowly then took a step backwards. She looked at Peyton for a moment longer before hurrying out of the room. Peyton stood looking at the empty doorway for minutes, wondering what had just happened. She had just yelled at her best friend for doing nothing more than caring.

She was a moron, she knew that. Then she was impulsive on top of that. She shook her head no. She wasn't doing this again; she wasn't going to beat herself up over this. That's what was going wrong. She could fix it. She would fix it. Starting now. She wouldn't do the brooding thing anymore.

She sat back down at her desk and stared at the drawings on her walls. She wondered why she was doing everything the way she was. It would be so easy to push it all away and make everything better. She didn't need to screw random guys, she didn't need to yell at her best friend, and she certainly didn't need cocaine. She could fight it. She was going to, starting now.

A half an hour had gone by since Brooke had left. She had yet to get up from her desk. She found herself too consumed by her thoughts to move. She still clutched the vial in her right hand. She tapped nervously on the arm of her chair with the index finger on her left hand. She could feel her muscles yearning for the substance. She thought the lack of it in her bloodstream had pushed her to go off on Brooke. She wouldn't have done it if everything was normal; it had to be its fault. She fought hard to push it out of her mind. She decided the best way of doing that would be doing something else to occupy her thoughts.

She sat down as she flipped on the tv. Her eyes scanned over the listings in the tv guide. She found nothing on except game shows and made for tv movies, both of which she abhorred. She looked in the refrigerator, but found it empty. She didn't have much of an appetite anyway. She looked for something to read, but found she didn't have the attention span to conquer something like a novel.

She tried doing her homework, but the most math she could do seemed to be adding two to itself, and even her answer to that, four, seemed like it was somehow not right. She tried surfing pages on the internet, but found nothing to her liking. She again, sat still in her chair, rolling the vial in between her index finger and thumb, wondering what to do next.

She couldn't draw when she was like this. She didn't understand it, but she knew she didn't like it. These cravings seemed to block her artistic abilities. But at the same time, she didn't care that she couldn't draw; she didn't really want to draw. She knew that wasn't the way it was supposed to be. She watched as the sun went down, thankful that the night was more gentle than the day. She knew morning would come eventually. But she didn't want to think about that.

She could feel the way he touched her. It made her shudder, knowing she had given herself away to him so freely. It made her feel worse about herself when she thought for sure she couldn't possibly think any worse of herself than she already did. She had let him use her how he wanted without even putting up a fight. She had been weak, had let him win. She shut her eyes closed tightly, not being able to stop thinking about how stupid she had been.

She wiped a tear from her cheek. Her hand shook as she lightly tapped the contents from the vial onto a cd. She inhaled one line, and then a second. For minutes, she waited for her pain and doubt to be smothered by the energy of the drugs. Nothing happened.

She could feel her spirit break even more. Not only was she trying to get high, but she couldn't even do it right. She snorted two more lines, hoping this time it would work. After a while of waiting, she could feel the rush starting again. It lasted for half the time it should've. Afterwards, she could feel the doubt and anxiety set in again.

She knew she wasn't thinking clearly. But she didn't listen to the small voice in her head when it told her to think twice. She inhaled four more lines, hoping to once again rid herself of the pain she felt when she was clean. For twenty minutes, she listened to angry music and drew black scribbles on pages that seemed to her to be too white. She turned to a new page and drew a scrambled drawing of her impression of herself. It looked more like a slightly personified version of a collection of scribbles.

She could feel herself growing weary as she came down from her high. Her bed was starting to look awfully comfortable. She decided to lay down, just for a short nap. But only after changing her sheets first. After laying down, she felt herself quickly drift off into a night filled with dreams that were anything but ordinary.


	13. Is There A Way Out

**A/N:** this is a crappy update for making you wait a week for it. I'm sorry about that. this past week at school was crappy cause I missed the previous week and so I had to focus on that. but this week is a three day school week. Yay! I'll probably post the next chapter on wednesday if I can figure it out by then. so don't hate me too much for this crappiness. god that was long. 

Thank you so much to all of you chapter twelve reviewers. Ya'll are friggin awesome.

**Chapter Thirteen: Is There A Way Out**

•••••

She woke up in time to get to school. She knew she needed to go. A message had been left on the answering machine to her dad about her absences. If she didn't get back to going regularly, this school year was done for. She sat up in bed. She had to go today. Maybe going would help her turn things around. It would be a distraction.

She had made it through her first four hours fine. She had kept from looking at Brooke all through her third hour. She wasn't sure what to say to her so she didn't say anything. She only paid attention to what was going on in class which was something she hadn't done in a long time.

At lunch, she had sat down at an unoccupied table outside. She felt the sun beat down on her back. It made her warm, causing her to feel more at ease with being there. She dropped her bag on the table in front of her and pulled out a granola bar. She ate a bite of it before she decided she wasn't hungry. She tossed it back in her bag and pulled out her sketchpad. She turned to a blank page and got out a pen. She stared at the sheet of white, not knowing what to draw. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She could always think of something.

She could feel it happening again; she was breaking down when she was surrounded by fifty people she went to school with, none of which did she know. She looked around nervously, hoping to remind herself that freaking out then simply wasn't an option. She couldn't. She couldn't handle it.

"Hey." She jumped and looked for the owner of the voice. Lucas had sat down beside her and was now looking at her with that concerned gaze that was unique to him. She forced a smile.

"Hey." She said softly.

"Are you okay?" She nodded quickly.

"I am now." She said as she shut her sketchpad and threw the pen back in her bag. She didn't know what to say to him. She thought back before to when she had been normal. She barely remembered what regular teenage conversation was like. "What's up?" She asked, her voice slightly wavering.

"Nothing. Just wondering what happened to you the other night."

"Oh." She said. She forgot to hold her fake smile in place and let a small frown form. "I was just having a little too much fun." She said, hoping to ease his worries about her. If she admitted it wasn't right, maybe he would let it go. He nodded.

"You know I'm here if you need me, right?" She nodded quickly as she put the smile back on.

"I know."

They both fell into silence as they wondered what else to say. They were rescued when Brooke and Haley appeared at the table. Peyton looked from Brooke to Haley. Neither one was looking at her.

"Hey guys." Brooke said with a smile as she sat down.

"Hey." Lucas said.

Peyton looked across the table at Haley. She was searching in her purse for something. Peyton felt her breathing quicken when she noticed exactly how beautiful Haley was. The sun shone perfectly down on her, lightening the color of her hair. Brown eyes were suddenly on her. She felt heat rise in her cheeks at being caught. Haley smiled softly at her. She quickly did the same.

"So, Peyton, are we hitting the clubs again this weekend?" Brooke asked without thinking, completely forgetting what had happened the weekend before. Peyton immediately looked at her.

"I certainly hope you are." She heard a familiar voice say. A body slid onto the seat beside her. She turned and saw John sitting far too closely to her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Last weekend was too fun not to do it again."

"What- what are you- you go to school here?" Peyton asked, more than a little surprised. She was sure she hadn't seen him before last weekend. He nodded with a confused look in his eyes.

"Yeah. We've got English together." He said. She raised an eyebrow. She had never noticed him in there before, not even that morning.

"What's going on, John?" Lucas asked him, obviously confused by John and Peyton being so close when he didn't even know that they knew each other.

"Peyton and I hooked up last Saturday." He said with a smug grin. Haley stared at John and Peyton. She had managed to convince John that Peyton was his for the taking; she was fine with it. But she didn't like seeing him touch her. She knew he didn't deserve her; he didn't even know her. She quickly tore her eyes away from them, not seeing the point in torturing herself like that.

"Wait. Like, hooked up?" Lucas asked with emphasis on the last two words, obviously asking if they had slept together. John nodded and his smile widened. Brooke looked to Peyton. She was obviously not comfortable with the guy sitting so close to her. Brooke decided to try and rescue her.

"Yeah, well, it's not happening again so how about you leave now?" Brooke said harshly to John. He looked at her, surprised by the nerve of her to tell him what he wasn't going to do. He looked to Peyton who wasn't looking at him. "Did you hear me?" Brooke asked, irritation blatantly obvious in her tone.

"Peyton?" John asked softly. She looked up at him. "Is it true?" She nodded. He dropped his arm from around her shoulders.

"I can't do it. It's not fair to you." She decided to say, choosing the more specific truth over telling him that she just wasn't in to him.

"What do you mean?" He asked. She took in a deep breath.

"I'm in love with someone else, John." She said softly, attempting to keep the other's ears from hearing but it did no use. Everyone heard. He nodded and stood up.

"Ok." He said simply, not visibly reacting to what he had heard. "Just don't hold that love in, Peyton. Let him know." She nodded, not really giving a thought to what he had said. He walked off to a distant table. She breathed a heavy sigh of relief, thankful that was done with. It was one less thing she had to worry about.

"You slept with him?" Lucas asked with more than a little surprise showing in his tone. She cringed.

"Lay off her, broody. She's been through enough crap because of it." Brooke said quickly, again aiding Peyton, hoping that the memory of the day before would be erased by a white flag. Peyton didn't look at her. She sat still looking at the table in front of her, wondering how she had gotten herself into such a mess. "Lucas?" Brooke asked.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna go with me to the cafeteria? I need to get some lunch." Peyton looked over at Brooke, wondering what she was doing. Brooke just flashed her an innocent smile.

"Sure."

"See you two later." Brooke said to Peyton and Haley. She and Lucas gathered their things and walked off together, back to the building. Peyton watched as they disappeared into the school. She turned to look at Haley who was already looking at her.

"Haley, I'm sorry." She let the words fumble out of her mouth before she even thought about it. Haley's brow furrowed with confusion.

"What for?"

"I didn't know what he was to you." Haley shook her head no, the confusion still showing in her features.

"Who?"

"John."

"What about him?" Haley asked, sure she wasn't following what Peyton was saying.

"I didn't know how you felt about him before we did what we did." Peyton said. She noticed that Haley's expression failed to change.

"How I feel about him?"

"You like John. If I had known that, I would've stayed completely away from him." Haley's eyes widened and an eyebrow rose in surprise.

"I don't like him." Haley said simply.

"The look you had in your eye when you found out about us says differently." Peyton said, making it very clear she didn't believe what she was hearing. Haley began shaking her head no. "It's over though, honest. You don't have to worry about me anymore. He's all yours."

"I don't want him."

"Then why did you look so upset?" Peyton asked, sure she was right about what she was thinking. Haley was in love with John. It was that simple. Sure, it hurt like hell to think of Haley with someone else, but it was what Haley wanted. She was fine with it. She watched as Haley faltered. "It's okay if you like him."

"But I don't." She said softly, not knowing what to tell Peyton other than that. She couldn't tell her the truth, especially not there, not then. Peyton nodded, but still failed to believe her.

"Okay." Peyton said and looked away from Haley at the table behind her. She didn't know what to say to Haley. She watched the guys sitting at the table. One said something, causing the whole table to erupt with laughter. She looked back to Haley. Those brown eyes were already on her.

"Why weren't you here yesterday?" Haley asked. Peyton froze. She looked down at the table in front of her, not knowing what to say. "Lucas said you were acting drunk Tuesday night." Now Peyton really didn't know what to say. Haley kept her eyes on Peyton, watching every move the blonde made, searching for some sign that she was okay. But Haley knew better. "I thought you were going to fix all of this?"

"I'm trying." Peyton said softly. She looked up at Haley, wondering if she believed her words. Haley nodded.

"Just don't give up, Peyt." She said. Peyton nodded. They sat in silence for a moment, both looking at the other, each wondering what to say. The bell signaling the end of the lunch period rang, causing students around them to begin filing inside. Haley stood up causing Peyton to do the same. Haley turned to go inside. Peyton kept her eyes on the girl's back.

"I won't give up." She whispered.

•••••

Peyton sat down on her bed. The day had been more draining than she had originally thought it would be. She found that her attention span had been chopped to pieces by her recent problems. She used everything in her to keep her mind in class and not let it wander. She took a deep breath and fell backwards on the bed. She let her eyelids fall closed.

"Hey."

Her eyes flickered open and quickly looked over to the doorway, surprised that Brooke had come over after last night. "Brooke." She said softly as she sat up.

"Is it okay that I'm here?" Brooke asked as she took a step into Peyton's room. Peyton nodded quickly.

"I'm so sorry about yesterday. I don't know what got into me. I had no right to go off on you like I did. I'm sorry." Brooke nodded, not really knowing what to say. "God, it feels like all I've been doing lately is apologizing."

"Why? What else has happened?" Brooke asked as she sat down on the bed beside Peyton. Peyton looked at her a little nervously.

"Let's see. First, I went off on Haley Monday. Then I went off on you yesterday. Oh, and I slept with the guy Haley liked. God, I'm damaged." She said as she closed her eyes tightly shut.

"Wait, what?" Brooke asked. Peyton looked over at her.

"What what?"

"You slept with the guy Haley liked?" Peyton nodded. "Who?"

"Funny, I could've sworn you were at lunch too." Peyton said with a laugh.

"You're not talking about John?" Peyton nodded causing Brooke to laugh. Peyton stared at Brooke, sure that Brooke wasn't laughing at the crappy situation she had found herself in.

"Ok. That's not funny." Peyton said, causing Brooke to laugh harder. Peyton threw a pillow at Brooke hoping to get her to calm down. The pillow hit her but Brooke didn't seem to notice.

"Haley doesn't like John." Brooke said after calming herself down.

"What? How do you know?" Peyton asked. She was surprised Brooke was so sure of what she thought she knew.

"I know who she really likes." A impish smile spread across Brooke's face.

"Who?" Peyton asked instantly, wondering who the lucky guy was.

"Uh-uh. I can't tell you." Peyton's jaw dropped slightly.

"Brooke, that's not fair. You can't just do that." Peyton said as she pushed a strand of hair out of her face. Brooke raised an eyebrow at her.

"Why not? If she asks me who you like, should I just tell her?" Brooke asked innocently, causing Peyton to freeze. "I thought not." They sat in silence for a moment. "You really should tell her how you feel. I think you'd feel a whole lot better afterward."

"You know that's not happening."

"But I can dream, can't I?" Brooke said. "You really should tell her," she added. She knew that if Peyton thought about it enough, she would see what Brooke was trying to do. After all, why would Brooke tell her to do something if she knew it would hurt her? She wouldn't. But if she knew it would help... Brooke smiled, hoping Peyton would put her hints together.

"I'm not telling her."


	14. Last Place You Look

**A/N:** god, it's been a while. family happened. and writer's block happened. my muse decided to take a winter vacation as well. she went away somewhere tropical and left me with nothing. she still hasn't come back yet so this chapter isn't the greatest.

thanks so much to the six of you that have reviewed in the last few weeks. i hope you guys like this chapter.

**Chapter Fourteen: Last Place You Look**

•••••

She felt something lightly touch her lips. She swatted at it without opening her eyes. Her hand failed to connect with anything. She rolled over onto her side and attempted to get back to sleep. She felt it again, this time on her cheek.

"Go away." She muttered. It happened again. This time however, she was awake enough to determine that what she was feeling was somebody kissing her. She opened her eyes then quickly shut them again. "Go away." She repeated, this time much more firmly.

"Now why would I want to do that?" She heard him ask.

"Because I don't like you." She said. She sat up, knowing he wasn't going anywhere when she was like that.

"Why'd you sit up? I was about ready to get undressed and hop in there with you." He said and sat down on the side of her bed. She quickly jumped up, knowing she didn't feel safe with having him that close. "Peyton, not this again. I thought we got over it last time?"

"Last time was a mistake, Rick. God, what do you think I am, some slut?"

"Well... yes."

"Yeah, well, I'm not." She said, sure that she really wasn't. He stood up, walked around her bed, and right up to her.

"Then what about last time? And the time before? You may say you're not. You may think you're not. But history says differently." He grabbed her and pulled her into a quick kiss. She pulled back instantly. "I'll be back in a few days, see if you've warmed up to the idea any then. Especially when you've run out." He said as he motioned to her bathroom. She looked in to see the vial of cocaine from a few nights before still sitting there, half full. He walked out of her room. She waited until she heard the door shut downstairs before she let her guard down.

What if he was right? What if she really was a slut? She slept with him twice, once for drugs. What did that say about her? She sat down on her bed, her eyes scanning the room for something to take her mind off of her thoughts. A picture caught her eye. It was a picture of herself, Brooke and Haley. It was taken around six months ago. She wondered what would happen if they ever found out the truth. What would they say if they found out she had slept with Rick for cocaine? She didn't want to think about that.

She looked at her alarm clock. It read six thirty-two. She wondered why Rick had stopped by so early. Maybe to catch her before she went to school. School. She had to wake up in an hour to go to school. To face Brooke and Haley. She couldn't, not after this. She turned off the alarm to the clock. She would see them on Monday, after she'd had time to calm down. She laid back down in her bed and closed her eyes, hoping to block out all of her cancerous thoughts by simply going to sleep.

•••••

She awoke later that night. She looked at the clock. It read eight twenty-two. She had slept for fourteen hours. But that wasn't including the eight hours of sleep she had gotten that night. She had woken up some during the course of the day but only to turn over on her side or her back and fall back into a fitful sleep. She heard a knock on her front door and decided to ignore it. She thought for sure who ever it was would go away. She turned over onto her side. They'd go away if she didn't answer the door.

She realized otherwise when she heard her front door open and shut and the sound of steps make a path closer and closer to her bedroom until she knew the owner of those feet was standing in her doorway. She kept her eyes closed and prayed they would go away. After what felt like hours and no sounds of the person retreating, she pretended to wake up. She rolled over onto her back and slowly opened her eyes.

"Good morning."

"Good night." She said with a smile. She looked over to see Haley leaning on the inside of her doorframe. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see if you were all right." Peyton looked at Haley curiously. "You weren't at school today. I wanted to come to make sure you weren't going back down that skipping school path you were on." Peyton nodded.

"You could've just called. You didn't need to come all this way just to check up on me." Peyton said and closed her eyes again. Sleep was still trying to overcome her.

"Well, I was on my way home from work and you weren't that far out of the way. Plus, I've called four times already today and decided the chances of you answering a fifth call were pretty slim." Peyton smiled innocently. After a few moments, she felt a body lay down beside her. She could feel Haley's eyes were focused on her.

Haley resisted the urge to touch her hand that was laying so very close to where she was sitting. Instead, she looked up and looked around Peyton's room, trying to get her hormones in check. She didn't like what she saw. She knew what it was even from that distance. She looked back down at the blonde, wondering what was really going on.

"Peyton..." Haley said softly then trailed off. Peyton opened her eyes to find a very concerned Haley staring back at her. She took in a deep, ragged breath. "Have you been doing cocaine again?" Haley asked. Peyton froze, wondering where that question could've come from.

"What?"

"Answer the question, Peyton. Have you been doing cocaine again?"

"I was. But I'm not anymore. I'm done with it."

"Then why is there some in there?" She asked and pointed to the bathroom. Peyton's eyes went wide when she realized the cocaine from the other night was still sitting on her bathroom cabinet. She didn't know what to say. So she didn't say anything. She shrugged.

Haley watched the blonde carefully. She wondered if Peyton was high right then. She could feel the sadness and anger and disappointment building up inside of her at the thought of Peyton slowly destroying herself. But mostly she felt pain. Pain because she knew that the only way Peyton would ever do something like that was if she was in pain. She hated thinking of Peyton in pain.

"Why?" Haley whispered.

"I don't know." Peyton answered, keeping her eyes focused on the ceiling, knowing she wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment she would see in Haley's eyes. She forced herself out of her bed. She sat down at her desk and hoped for something to pop into her head, some idea that would get her out of this situation. She couldn't tell Haley the truth. Not all of it.

"You can do this to yourself, Peyton." Haley started as she walked up to the blonde. "This isn't you. You're better than this."

"But what if I'm not?" She whispered. It was an honest question. She truly didn't know what was something she would do and what wasn't. All of the lines were blurred now, nothing was making any sense. Peyton looked up at her, the uncertainty showing very clearly through her tear-filled eyes.

"You are. You're so much better than this. God, Peyton." She bent down on the ground in front of her and took Peyton's hands in her own. "Sweetie, you can't keep doing this to yourself."

"But why?" She asked, finally looking into Haley's eyes, hoping to find her answers there.

"Because this is not the way to handle your pain. This will only destroy you in the end." She inhaled another ragged breath, making her suddenly aware that she was on the edge of tears. "Please, don't hurt yourself like this anymore. It hurts knowing that you're in that much pain." Peyton's expression changed from regret to confusion.

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because I want you to be happy. And drugs aren't happiness. No matter how great it makes you feel, Peyton, you always have to come down from that high. And the more times you go up, the harder the crash is going to be." Haley said all in one breath. "You know, you can always come to me. Always. All you have to do is call and I'll come running over to keep your mind off of that stuff. You can beat this, Peyt. And I can help you. We can get through this together. Ok?" Peyton nodded.

"There's one thing I have to do first." Peyton whispered and went into her bathroom with Haley on her heels. She grabbed the vial of cocaine. She quickly turned it upside down over the toilet and flushed all of its contents. She threw the vial in the trash and looked back at Haley. "I can do this." Haley nodded.

"We can do this." Peyton nodded.

"So now what?" She said after taking a deep breath.

"Now, I think we still need to talk." Haley said.

"This sounds like a conversation that isn't going to be very fun."

"It's not. But neither is the next few weeks. But you've got to get through it." Peyton nodded. Haley moved back into Peyton's room; Peyton followed her. Haley sat down on Peyton's bed; Peyton sat across from her at her desk. Haley took in a ragged breath before starting again. "How did this happen, Peyton? I thought you weren't going to go down this road again?"

"I wasn't. I tried so hard not to, but Rick kept bugging me and I said yes once and after that it seemed I couldn't say no."

"Rick." Haley said quietly. That name made her think of just a few hours ago. She had been sitting in the cafe with Brooke talking about Peyton. Brooke had let it slip that Peyton had slept with Rick only a few days ago. She felt her heart ache at the thought of Peyton sleeping with that guy.

"Yeah." Peyton whispered.

"Did you sleep with him?" Haley asked, sure that Brooke was wrong about everything. Peyton wouldn't do that.

"W-why do you ask that?" Peyton asked, suddenly feeling very blindsided. Haley noticed her expression and knew what Brooke had said was the truth. Peyton looked extremely guilty.

"You slept with him." Haley stated softly. Peyton hesitated, closing her eyes then nodding. "Why?" She regretted it the instant it came out of her mouth, but she had to know.

"You want the truth?" Haley nodded. "The truth... the disgusting truth is, I slept with him once for payment. I slept with him the second time because I wanted to feel appreciated. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me, and I wanted more than anything to feel wanted by someone."

Haley could feel her stomach churn at the thought of Rick's hands on Peyton, his lips kissing hers. She looked away from the blonde, hoping that if she didn't look at her, she could get the nauseating visuals out of her head. She then wondered how Peyton could think so low of herself to sell herself like she had done. She wanted to show Peyton just what she thought of her.

She knows. She knows. Oh God, she knows. She hates me. She can't even look at me she's that disgusted, Peyton thought. She could feel the tears starting in her eyes. She had lost Haley. There's no way they'd ever be friends after that. Haley didn't hang out with druggies. She had lost her. That one thought scared her more than anything ever had before.

"I'm sorry." Peyton whispered. Haley looked back at her and could see that Peyton was afraid. The look in Peyton's eyes sent chills down Haley's spine.

"What for?" She asked softly, hoping her tone would help ease Peyton at least a little bit.

"Everything. I can see the disappointment in your eyes."

"I'm not disappointed in you, Peyt. I'm just really saddened by everything you've gone through. You could never disappoint me, Peyton. Never." Peyton nodded. "I just wish you could see yourself the way that I see you." One of Peyton's eyebrows shot up.

"How do you see me?"

"You're so smart, and so talented. And when you want to be, when you think no one is listening, you're funny. And so beautiful." Haley paused there, startled by her last few words. Peyton's eyebrows furrowed and her brown eyes were now locked on to Haley. Haley knew she had said too much; it was right there for Peyton to see, so she might as well confirm it. "I love you, Peyton." Peyton's eyes went wide.

"What?"

"I do. I have for a while. And I realize that of all times now probably isn't the best time to tell you, but I did and I'm not sorry that I did. I think it's something you needed to hear."

"Haley, you can't be serious."

"Why not?" Haley asked, her voice nearly catching in her throat. She didn't like the way this was beginning to play out. Peyton looked too unhappy about it for Haley to be comfortable.

"Because you just can't." Peyton said as she stood up. She turned away from the brunette on her bed and started pacing. She could feel Haley's eyes on her, begging her to continue, to finish her thoughts, but she couldn't. If she told Haley the truth, it'd only hurt Haley in the end. She couldn't be the one to hurt Haley. She knew she would hurt her if the two of them were to go anywhere. She only lets people down in the end. She stopped pacing with her back to the brunette. "Please go." She whispered. She could feel her heart breaking at the thought of what her words could be doing to Haley.

Haley stood up from the bed and paused. She could feel her world shattering in front of her. Peyton was only a few feet in front of her, but she was still so very far away. She longed to close the gap between them but knew she had done everything she could do. She fought everything in her mind telling her to run out of the room. Instead, she slowly left the room, turning only when she had reached the door.

"Please. Be safe." She whispered and then left.

When she heard the front door close shut, Peyton's knees buckled underneath her. She fell to the floor as she began sobbing. She pulled her legs to her chest, causing her to curl into a ball. She bit her knee in an attempt to get herself to calm down. It didn't work.

She wondered why she had done what she had done. Haley had put herself out there, and Peyton had shut her down so completely. If Haley was telling the truth- Peyton knew she wasn't one to lie- if she really was in love with Peyton, Peyton couldn't imagine the pain she had just caused. She wanted to put herself back together and run after the girl she loved so much, tell her she felt the same way. But she knew it was better for Haley to get hurt now than later. She was preventing Haley from hurting worse in the future; it really was for the best. She wondered why it hurt so much.

•••••

**A/N:** so.. I realize, you're probably not really very happy with that. but at least this chapter had something happen in it... right::scolds the last few chapters for being boring::


	15. Kill

**A/N:** warning: this is short and not what you're looking for. so don't expect it. as for the next chapter, (maybe you should read this after you read that ::points down to the new chapter::) i can't write happy so wrapping this whole thing up is a little terrifying. and i've got finals this week so at earliest- if i can figure out what the next chapter will be- at the earliest it will be posted this weekend. earliest. sorry about that. but i wanna write it well and right now it's just not going well. not even at all. gr. stupid muse and stupid teachers.

to the terribly terrific troupe of reviewers (so much for alliteration)- thank you! i'm sooo glad ya'll are enjoying this and i hope you like this chapter.

**Chapter Fifteen: Kill**

•••••

Haley sat on the edge of the roof and looked out at the small bit of the town she could see in front of her over the trees. A stray tear fell down one cheek. She quickly wiped it away. By this point, she had lost track of the number of tears she had cried. She looked down at the roof below her feet.

"Haley!"

She looked behind her and found Brooke standing just outside of the door, looking very alarmed at her. "What?"

"Don't!"

"Don't what?"

"Don't jump!" Brooke said emphatically as she took a few steps closer to Haley.

"What?"

"Don't jump!"

"Brooke, it's a four feet fall." She said as she looked down at the roof below her dangling feet. Brooke walked over to her and looked down as well before breathing a heavy sigh of relief. She then sat down beside Haley. Haley looked back out at the trees. She could tell that Brooke had her eyes somewhere else.

"Wanna talk about what you've been crying about?" Brooke asked in a soft tone that Haley wasn't used to hearing her use.

"Funny. I figured Peyton would've told you all ready."

"I haven't seen her since yesterday." She paused to think for a moment. "What is there to tell, Hales?"

"I told her, Brooke," she whispered. She could feel her heart break again at the memory. "I told her everything. And she couldn't handle it. God... she hates me now."

"Haley, she doesn't hate you." Brooke said as she placed a hand on Haley's shoulder. Haley started shaking her head fervently.

"She couldn't even look at me, Brooke." She said and forced herself to hold back the wave of tears that she could feel coming. "She couldn't even bear to look at me." She repeated as a whisper. They sat in silence for a moment.

"She loves you." Haley looked over at Brooke, surprise written all over her features. She shook her head no.

"She doesn't."

"Yes, she does. I know she does. She's just afraid."

"Of what? Being happy?" Brooke nodded.

"Partially. And partially, she doesn't want to hurt you. She doesn't want to give herself the opportunity to hurt you, which she's afraid she'll do if you two get together."

They sat in silence for a while. Haley took the time to digest what Brooke had told her. It was consistent with Peyton's behavior. She built walls to push people away. Haley was beginning to believe it really was true.

"You really think she loves me?" Haley whispered.

"I know she does."

"Thanks, Brooke." Haley said after a long pause. Brooke nodded. Silence surrounded them again.

"Are you going to go talk to her?"

"Maybe later. I still need to think." Brooke nodded.

"If you need anything..."

"Thanks." Haley said and looked at her friend. Brooke nodded before standing up. She put her hand on Haley's shoulder again and gave it a squeeze.

"Anytime." She said before walking off and leaving Haley to her thoughts. She was sure Brooke was on her way to talk to Peyton. Just the thought of the blonde made tears form in her eyes again. She still was in disbelief at telling Peyton how she felt. She was barely able to comprehend Peyton's reaction. It all seemed as though it were a dream; yet it still seemed to be too real to not be real.

•••••

She had managed to get the tears to stop, but she couldn't get off the floor. She laid there, her back on the floor, her eyes shut. She didn't know what to do. She should go, go find Haley and fix everything. She opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling. She didn't move.

She noticed something was going on when she felt someone brush against her. She hoped it was Haley. She tore her eyes away from the ceiling and looked to her left. Brooke was laying down beside her in the exact same position Peyton was in. She looked at the blonde.

"So what are we looking at?" Brooke asked as she looked back up at the ceiling. Peyton did the same.

"The ceiling." She answered in an even tone. Silence came between them for what felt like hours.

"So you wanna tell me why you're lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling?" Brooke finally asked. Peyton looked over at her, then back up at the ceiling.

"She said she loved me." Peyton said softly.

"She said she loved you?" She asked causing Peyton to nod. "And you're lying here on the floor because?" Peyton didn't answer. Brooke could tell she was thinking over her answer.

"I don't know." She said softly, her voice cracking slightly. Brooke nodded.

"Maybe you should try to figure that out." Peyton nodded again. "Meanwhile, she's sitting on the roof of the cafe crying." Peyton sat up and turned to look at Brooke.

"What?" Brooke sat up and raised an eyebrow at her. "She's crying?" Peyton asked. Brooke nodded. "Dammit."

"What'd you think she'd do? She told you she loves you, Peyt. And she means it. I don't know what you did, what you said to her, but I know it wasn't the right thing cause you're here and she's there and neither one of you are happy."

"I can't tell her the truth, Brooke."

"Why?" Brooke asked. Peyton didn't answer. "Because you're afraid to hurt her?"

"I don't know." Peyton answered softly.

"Well, you need to think about it. You need to see if losing her is worth it. Because if you don't act soon, you will lose her." Peyton nodded and closed her eyes, causing a tear to fall down her cheek. She felt Brooke wipe it away. "Just don't be scared of it, Peyt. What the two of you have together is special. It's not something to fear." Peyton nodded again. Neither spoke for a few minutes. "Just give yourself a chance to be happy, Peyt. You deserve it."

She wondered if that was true.


	16. Away From Me

**A/N:** finals went well. i wish i could say the same about this chapter. writing this was extremely difficult. i just hope my muse comes back soon from her month-long vacation. i could use her help. surely her tan is perfect now after all this time. anyway, this chapter is not the last. there's much more ahead as long as my muse comes back. the next chapter looks like it's pushing 4k words, so hopefully that makes up for the extreme shortness of this chapter. grrr muse. 

to the wonderful chapter fifteen peeps- thank you guys so much for taking the time to review. you guys always manage to make me feel really good about the story even if i think it sucks. so thank you, thank you, thank you.

**Chapter Sixteen: Away From Me**

•••••

She pushed the door to the roof open. Her eyes scanned the rooftop until they landed on her. Haley was sitting on the edge of the roof, staring off into the landscape below. She took a few steps towards the girl, then froze. She didn't know if she should be there. After the way earlier had gone, would Haley even want to talk to her? She had to chance it. If all went well, it was worth it. She took the remaining steps towards Haley, until she was standing only a few feet behind her.

"Hi." Haley said to Peyton, keeping her gaze on the trees.

"How'd you know I was here?" Peyton asked. She wished Haley would look at her. She wanted to see the face that meant the world to her.

"I saw your car pull up." Haley said. She couldn't look at Peyton. She didn't want the blonde to be able to see that she had been crying. "I'm surprised you're here." Peyton took a step closer and to the side, allowing her to see some of Haley's face.

"Why?" She asked. Haley was close now, less than a foot away. Peyton longed to reach out and take her in her arms.

"The last time I saw you, things didn't go so well."

"I know." Peyton said softly. She kept her eyes on Haley, taking in everything she could about the brunette. Her eyes traced Haley's shoulders, her neck, her hair, her lips, her eyes. She felt that familiar feeling that she got every time she looked at Haley. The girl always managed to mesmerize Peyton without ever doing anything. She knew it then. Peyton was finally sure of how she felt. She quickly sat down on the ledge beside Haley. "I love you," she whispered. Brown eyes were quickly on her.

"What?" Haley whispered.

"I love you." She said again, louder this time, more sure of herself and what she was doing. Haley sat frozen, her large eyes still on Peyton.

"You love me?" Haley whispered, causing Peyton to nod. "Are you sure?" She asked, her voice cracking slightly. A small smile spread across her lips at the thought of Peyton loving her. Peyton nodded again, allowing a smile to cross her own face.

"I've never been more sure of anything." Peyton said softly. Haley leaned in closer to Peyton, feeling drawn to the girl. She looked down at her lips for a moment then back up to her eyes. Peyton leaned in, finally closing the gap between them that was suddenly very unwanted. Her lips pressed against Haley's softly. She felt her heart stop at the contact with the brunette. Her lips were soft, much softer, gentler than Peyton had imagined. She felt Haley's fingers lace themselves into her blonde curls, forcing the kiss to deepen. Lips pressed against lips for minutes on end until the need for air was too great.

"Peyton." Haley whispered between deep breaths, her face still only inches away from the blonde. Haley kissed her once more before pulling away entirely, her eyes still locked with Peyton's. "That was..."

"Nice." Peyton whispered.

"Nice." Haley agreed with a nod. Peyton's eyes traced Haley's facial features. She could see that Haley had been crying. Her nose was red, her eyes bloodshot. Peyton looked away for a moment. She looked at the trees that Haley was staring at earlier. Haley was crying because of what she had done. She had hurt Haley.

"Haley?" She asked.

"Yes?" Peyton's eyes were on her again. This time Haley saw a hint of sorrow that wasn't there before.

"I'm sorry." Peyton said, her voice trembling.

"For what?" She didn't like the way this was going. Everything had been so perfect before. She didn't like seeing Peyton so upset.

"Earlier. I never wanted to make you cry. I just-"

"Shh." Haley said as she put a finger to Peyton's lips. "It's okay. Everything's fine now."

"But-"

"No buts. Everything is fine. Everything's worked out perfectly." She paused. She knew by the look in Peyton's eyes that she wasn't getting completely through to the blonde. "I can take a little heartache if I can be happy in the end. And you've just made me incredibly happy. So just forget about what happened earlier, okay?" Peyton nodded. "Promise me." Haley whispered.

"I promise." Peyton said. Silence crept in between them. They took moments looking at one another, enjoying each other's presence. After a few minutes, Haley looked down at the trees again, concern brewing in her eyes. Peyton knew something wasn't right. "What's wrong?" Haley's brown eyes shot up to look at her. A smile formed on her lips, but Peyton could tell it was only a cover.

"Nothing."

"Haley." She said softly. "What's wrong?" She asked again, not feeling comfortable with giving up. Haley nodded slightly.

"Promise me something else?" Peyton could see in her eyes that Haley was scared to ask whatever it was of her. She didn't understand why. Peyton would do anything Haley wanted. All she had to do was ask.

"Anything."

"Promise me that you won't go back. That you won't do cocaine again." Peyton didn't say a word. Instead, she sat still, searching Haley's eyes for strength. After a long moment, she nodded, knowing she could keep the promise. As long as she had Haley, she could do anything.

"I promise."


	17. Until The Dream Gets Broken

**A/N:** i've vowed to stop being mean to my story. from now on, no more negativity. even if the chapters could've been edited a little more... couldn't help it. by the way, it's long. 

to all eight of you who reviewed in the last week: much love. thank you so much for reviewing. have i said that enough during the run of this story? i don't think so. thank you guys.

**Chapter Seventeen: Until The Dream Gets Broken**

•••••

She put pen to paper the next afternoon. While she listened to some new cd she had downloaded, she drew two figures sitting on the ledge of a rooftop. The night before came into focus on the paper. The two people were sitting facing each other. In between them were two words: I promise.

She looked at the nearly finished drawing. She stared at it for a moment before a thought hit her. She was drawing. She was drawing without the help of cocaine. It was almost like before. Except this time, she could tell she was still forcing herself to do it. It wasn't so much that she wanted to do it as it was that she felt she should be doing it. Things were getting back to normal. She didn't need cocaine to help her with things; she needed Haley.

"Heya, best friend." Brooke said as she popped into Peyton's room. Peyton tossed her sketchpad onto her desk and turned to face Brooke. She was standing just in front of the blonde. Brooke looked over Peyton's shoulder at the drawing. "Did something good happen last night?" She asked. Peyton nodded, not trusting her voice to not give anything away. "Well, spill." Brooke said as she sat down on Peyton's bed.

"There's not much to tell."

"Sure there is. What happened? Did you tell her? Are you two together now? What's going on?" She asked as she folded her legs Indian style on the bed in front of her.

"We talked."

"About...?"

"Not much."

"Peyton, what happened?" Brooke asked in a way that suggested her life might depend on the answer.

"We kissed." Peyton said causing Brooke to squeal.

"Why do I seem more excited about it than you do?" Brooke asked after noticing Peyton's indifferent mood.

"I don't know." She said. "I am excited. But I'm scared. And confused. I don't wanna fuck this up, Brooke."

"Then don't."

"But." Peyton said, then stopped herself. She was about to mention her drug use when she remembered that Brooke didn't know.

"But what?" Brooke asked, causing Peyton to look up at her.

"Nothing." Peyton quickly muttered.

"No no no. You were gonna say something. What is it? You can tell me, you know that." Peyton shook her head no, knowing better than to tell Brooke about her using cocaine. She didn't want to have to go through the same thing as the night before with Haley.

"It's really nothing. I just don't want to fuck it up with Haley."

"You won't. You're not going to do anything to intentionally hurt her so there's nothing to worry about. You two are gonna be happy and you're gonna stay happy. I'll make sure of that." Brooke said.

"Thanks, Brooke."

"Anytime, goldilocks." She paused. "So are you two girlfriends now or what?"

Peyton froze, realizing there wasn't a definite answer to that question. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Brooke asked, raising an eyebrow. "How can you not know?"

"I don't know. We didn't really ever talk about that."

"Maybe you should." Brooke said and glanced down at her watch. "But you can worry about that later. Now go get ready." She stood up causing Peyton to look curiously at her.

"For what?"

"There's a party at Nathan's beach house in two hours. And you are not going like that." Brooke walked over to Peyton's doorway.

"Where are you going?"

"To go get tutor-girl. You didn't think I was gonna let you go stag, did you?" Brooke said with her trademark grin. "I'll be back in forty-five with a certain someone." She added then disappeared through the doorway.

Peyton stared at where Brooke had been standing. They were going to a party with Haley. She glanced at herself in the mirror. She looked like crap. She was going to see Haley and she looked like crap. She was gonna need longer than forty-five minutes to even make herself presentable, even more than that to look good. She groaned loudly as she got to work on her appearance, slightly terrified of seeing Haley.

•••••

Peyton pulled the car off of the highway. They were nearing Nathan's beach house now. Haley was sitting to her right, Brooke was in the back. Jimmy Eat World played through the speakers. Earlier, Brooke had returned with Haley just as she had promised. Peyton was thankful that they hadn't come a moment sooner; she had just decided she looked presentable. When she saw Haley in her doorway, she had smiled. She saw the look of appreciation flash in Haley's eyes. Nobody had ever looked at Peyton that way before. She remembered the way her insides had melted under Haley's gaze as she pulled onto Nathan's street.

The three girls made their way into the living room already overcrowded with familiar and unfamiliar faces. Brooke took off somewhere, leaving Peyton and Haley alone. Peyton glanced over the crowd of people surrounding them. She could feel her breathing quicken. She shouldn't have come. There were too many people. She closed her eyes. It wasn't that bad. She could get through this.

"Hey guys." Lucas said as he came over. Peyton jumped at the sound of his voice. Neither Haley or Lucas seemed to notice Peyton's sudden fright.

"Hey." Haley said. He bent over and hugged her. He pulled away, but kept his arm wrapped around her back.

"What's going on?" He asked, looking from Haley to Peyton. He watched her as her eyes darted nervously around the room. Her eyes were on him suddenly. He was surprised by how much she seemed to have changed.

"Nothing. Which is why Brooke made us come." Haley said, earning a chuckle from Lucas. Peyton forced a smile.

"Where is that brunette, anyway?" He asked and glanced around the room, searching for the girl.

"Right here." Brooke said as she handed Peyton a cup of what everyone assumed was something alcoholic. She took a sip from her own before saying, "hey Lucas."

"Drinking already, Brooke?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Gotta start sometime." She said, her dimples appearing with her smile. He shook his head at her as a smile formed on his own lips. He looked from Brooke to Peyton.

"You're awfully quiet." He said to her, attempting to get her to talk. She only raised an eyebrow at him.

"So, Lucas, where's Nathan?" Haley asked, sensing Peyton's discomfort at being under Lucas's gaze. Lucas looked down at Haley.

"In the kitchen." Brooke answered for him. "Putting some more beers in the fridge." Haley nodded.

"I'll be right back. I wanna go talk to him about something." Haley said and disappeared. Lucas looked from Peyton to Brooke.

"What was that about?" He asked.

"Probably something about tutoring." Brooke answered. She looked at Peyton. Peyton was staring across the room at the door to the kitchen. She quickly looked away and took a long drink from her alcohol. Brooke put her hand on Peyton's shoulder, hoping to steady Peyton emotionally.

"Peyton, are you okay?" Lucas asked. Her eyes were suddenly on him, as if she were caught red handed doing something. Her surprise quickly turned into anger.

"Why do you always have to be the white knight, Lucas? Why can't you ever just give it up? Nobody's as sincere as you pretend to be." She said, her tone eerily calm. Before giving him a chance to respond, she walked away. He watched after her then turned to Brooke.

"What was that about?" He asked her.

"I don't know."

•••••

She watched as the waves rolled in, one after the other. The tide was a constant thing. She attempted to draw some comfort from that. No matter what happened, the tide would always be there. She was sitting on the beach in the dark. She had left the party fifteen minutes ago. After Haley had left, she couldn't stand it anymore. She quickly grew uncomfortable surrounded by so many people she had never seen before. So she sat sipping her alcohol on the beach by herself.

She had thought about trying to build a fire. But she liked the stars too much to make something to distract her from them. She took another sip of her alcohol and wondered why she wasn't feeling the slightest bit drunk. She still felt calm, eerily calm. The night before played over and over in her head. Over and over, she could hear herself making the promise that she wasn't sure she could keep. The night before, it had seemed easy. But it didn't anymore. After three minutes alone in that room, she was nearing the end of her resolve. She needed cocaine to steady herself. Without it, she wasn't stable.

Seventy-five. Seventy-six. Seventy-seven. She counted the waves as they came in and disappeared. Seventy-eight. She wished she had some with her. She wanted to feel that high there and then. She wasn't sure she could get through the night without it. Eight-two. Eighty-three. She could tell someone had sat down beside her. She didn't need to look over at them; she knew who it was. It was who she desperately needed.

"Hi." She said softly.

"Hi." Haley echoed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just got tired of the party." She said and looked over at the brunette. "The stars are out dancing tonight." She said with a small smile. She then looked up to the sky. Haley did the same. Peyton took the opportunity to steal a glance at the girl.

"It's so beautiful." Haley said softly.

"Tell me about it." Peyton said, her eyes still glued to Haley. She let her eyes trail down the brunette's body slowly, then back up to her face. Haley's eyes were on her. Her cheeks were red. "You're so beautiful." She whispered. Haley's cheeks turned a deeper shade of red. Peyton leaned into Haley, their lips connecting. Haley placed a hand on Peyton's shoulder, while one of Peyton's found its way to Haley's waist. They continued like that for a few minutes. Peyton finally pulled away and whispered, "I love being able to do that."

"Tell me about it," Haley whispered back with a smile, then closed the gap between them again. Peyton's hand found a patch of Haley's exposed waist and began tracing circles on it with her thumb. Haley pulled back, away from Peyton, and looked back up at the stars. Peyton continued to watch her, wondering what had made her cut off the kiss so abruptly.

"Haley?" She looked over at Peyton. "Is everything okay?"

"Of course." She said, her smile quickly forming on her face. Peyton didn't know whether to believe the smile or the feeling in her gut that said that something was wrong. She nodded. Haley looked back up at the stars. Peyton did the same. She reached for the drink sitting beside her and took a sip.

A loud scream could be heard from the direction of the house. They looked over to see a large crowd of kids overflowing onto the beach. Peyton looked to Haley. "So much for peace and quiet." She said with a smile. "Maybe we should go back?" She wanted to try being around people again. She thought she could handle it. As long as she had Haley.

"Okay." Haley said. Peyton stood up and offered a hand to a still sitting Haley. Haley took it and let Peyton help her up. They stood inches apart, eyes locked. Peyton leaned in and gave Haley a quick kiss. Haley could taste the alcohol, but didn't say a word. They walked toward the crowd, fingers still interlaced. As they approached, they noticed Lucas and walked over to him.

"What's going on?" Haley asked. Lucas pointed to a group of people nearby. Nathan and others had carried a sleeping Tim outside and were running into the ocean with him. They threw him into the water, then burst out laughing. They watched as Tim woke up screaming. Lucas looked back at the girls. He noticed that they were hand in hand. He looked up at them quizzically. Peyton knew what he was wondering and she knew what he'd ask. She knew Haley's answer. The thought of denying what was so right made her nauseous.

"I'll be back in a few." Peyton said to Haley then slipped away, out of Haley's grip. Haley watched her go into the house. She could tell something was off with the blonde.

"What's that look about?" Lucas asked. Haley quickly looked back at him.

"What?"

"You look like you're worried about Peyton." Lucas said softly to Haley.

"She's drinking." Lucas raised an eyebrow.

"As much as I don't want to admit it, one drink never hurt anyone, Hales." Lucas said then turned back to the party. Haley nodded, wondering if it was true. She then realized that Lucas didn't know of Peyton's recent behaviors. She wondered what Lucas would think of Peyton's drinking if he knew Peyton was going through cocaine withdrawal.

Inside, Peyton was refilling her drink in the kitchen. She took a sip of the liquor then took in a deep breath. She took a second drink as Brooke entered the room.

"Partying a little hard tonight." She stated. Peyton shrugged.

"Why do you care?" She asked softly. Brooke recoiled.

"Because I don't want you doing anything stupid. Like the other night." Brooke said, taking a step closer to her. Peyton leaned back, against the cabinet behind her.

"Right... right. Cause I was drunk the other night." She said, sarcasm laced in her tone. She could tell the alcohol was having an effect on her. Brooke's eyebrow furrowed.

"If you weren't drunk, what were you doing?"

"Nothing." She said, silently wishing she hadn't said anything.

"Peyton, what happened that night?" She took another step closer and leaned on the same cabinet Peyton was. They were standing side by side. She had her eyes on Peyton, Peyton had her eyes on the wall in front of her.

"Nothing. I was just being stupid." She said, trying to get Brooke off of her back. She could feel the irritation building up inside of her. She prayed Brooke would stop pushing the issue.

"But you're not stupid." She said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"God, Brooke, can you just drop it!" She yelled and spun to face the brunette. "I'm fine okay. So just fuck off." She started to walk out of the kitchen. Brooke grabbed her arm. Peyton spun to face her. "What?" She nearly yelled.

"What the hell has gotten into you? First you go off on Lucas, and now me?" She asked. Peyton could see the pain in Brooke's eyes. She pushed the sympathy out of her mind. Brooke didn't know pain. She couldn't even see that Peyton was in pain. Peyton kept her mouth shut, instead choosing to pull away from Brooke and storm out of the kitchen.

She looked over the room of people in front of her. She watched the bodies undulate to the blaring R&B music. She didn't like the song; R&B really wasn't her thing. She wanted to get away from the music. She could go outside. There were too many people outside. Her eyes searched the room, glancing from exit to exit until they finally landed on the stairs. She'd go upstairs. She took the steps two at a time.

She walked down the hallway, going from door to door, attempting to open them. The first three were locked. The fourth she wished had been locked. It would've saved her from walking in on two half-naked people. She tried the fifth door. It was unlocked. She went inside and closed the door behind her. She leaned on in and closed her eyes.

"What the hell?" She opened her eyes to see two guys sitting on the ground on the other side of the room. They were sitting on either side of a coffee table. On top of the table was what she had been longing for since Wednesday. "What do you want?" One of them asked her.

"Some of that." She said, pointing to the white substance. It would make the thoughts stop. Smiles broke out on the two guys' faces. One of them held out a roll of money for her. She took it. She looked down at the cocaine on the table. Two lines were waiting for her. "No." She whispered. "I can't." She dropped the money and hurried out of the room. She closed the door behind her and leaned heavily against the wall. She couldn't breathe. She pulled at the neck of her shirt. It was choking her. Her knees gave in, causing her to slide down the wall and onto the floor. She took off her t-shirt, leaving her in a tank top. She felt calmer the moment she felt the cold air hit her chest. Her breathing began to steady.

"Hey, beautiful." She looked up to find some guy she didn't know standing in front of her. He offered a hand to her. She took it, allowing him to help her off of the floor. As soon as she was standing, he pulled her into a kiss. She fought to push him away.

"What the hell?"

"You're hot." He said simply. She could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"You're drunk." She said, more to herself than him.

"I won't tell if you don't." He pulled her back into another kiss. She felt his fingers wander down to her chest. Her senses became heightened. She kissed him back. Alarms went off in her head. She suddenly remembered exactly what was going on. She pulled away again. "But it was just getting good."

She let out a deep breath and shook her head. "Sorry, but no." She said and picked up her t-shirt. She hurried to the stairs, desperate to get away from him. She hurried down the stairs and sat down on the second step from the ground. Her eyes traced the crowd again, looking for anyone familiar. She looked to the back door just as Haley and Brooke came in. She watched as Haley's eyes searched the room. Even from across the room, Haley still managed to make the air catch in Peyton's throat. She was about to stand up and go over to her when Haley's eyes found her. A smile formed on her face and she walked over, Brooke following.

"Hey." Peyton said, putting her happy face on again.

"Hey." Brooke said as she sat down beside Peyton. Haley leaned against the wall and smiled shyly at the blonde. "This party sucks." Brooke said loudly, earning a few looks from nearby people. A slower song came over the stereo.

"Haley," Lucas said as he came up to the group. All three of the girls looked at him. "Care to dance?" He asked with a smile causing a smile to form on her own face. She looked from Lucas to Peyton. Peyton nodded, forcing a smile.

"I would love to." She said, taking Lucas's hand. He led her out toward the designated dance floor and wrapped his arms around her waist. Peyton watched them dance. She wished she could dance with Haley. But she knew better. They hadn't talked about it, but Peyton knew that Haley wouldn't be comfortable being affectionate with so many people around. Peyton wanted more than anything to just hold the girl in her arms.

"So what happened to you?" Brooke asked her.

"What?" Peyton asked, keeping her eyes on Haley. Brooke eyed her curiously.

"You lost your shirt." Brooke said. Peyton turned to her, surprised by her words. Brooke pointed to the t-shirt in her hand that she had been wearing earlier.

"Oh. Yeah. I got groped upstairs by some drunk." She said, attempting to just dismiss it. Her eyes turned to the dancing couple again. She felt Brooke's eyes on her.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." She kept her eyes on Haley.

"You know they're just friends."

"What?" Peyton asked.

"Haley and Lucas. They're just friends." Brooke said, keeping her eyes on Peyton, wondering what had gotten into the girl.

"I know." Peyton said as she continued to watch the two of them dance. Her mouth was dry. She wondered what had happened to her drink. She glanced over at Brooke. She was holding a cup. "Can I?" She asked Brooke. Brooke tilted the cup so Peyton could see that it was empty. Peyton nodded. She turned back to look at the dance floor as Haley and Lucas approached. She put her smile firmly back into place.

"Brooke?" Lucas asked her, his hand outstretched.

"No thanks. I think we're gonna head home." Brooke said as she stood up. Peyton and Haley both looked at her curiously. "Come on, Peyt." She said and held her hand out to help the girl who she was sure was more than a little unsteady by then. Peyton took it and Brooke helped her up, steadying her when she began to fall. All three girls said goodbye to Lucas and went outside.

Peyton dug her keys out of her pocket and handed them to Brooke. Brooke helped her into the passenger seat. Haley climbed into the backseat and Brooke started up the car. Peyton leaned back and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down. She hated what alcohol did to her. She wished she could take back the night entirely.

She felt a hand begin stroking her hair. She knew by the touch it was Haley. Haley always knew the right thing to do when she was feeling bad. They drove in silence back to Peyton's house. They all three went up to Peyton's room. Peyton instantly laid down on her bed, wanting to steady her wobbling vision. She closed her eyes. She felt Haley sit down on the bed beside her and begin stroking her hair again. After a few minutes, Peyton opened her eyes again. She looked up at Haley and smiled. She then looked around her room for Brooke.

"She left a few minutes ago." Haley said, knowing what Peyton was doing. Peyton looked up at her again and nodded slightly. "Do you wanna go to sleep?" Peyton nodded again. Haley began to get up causing Peyton to whimper.

"Haley?" She asked.

"I'm just going to turn off the light." She said, causing Peyton to nod. Haley quickly turned off the light and laid down on the bed beside Peyton. Peyton wrapped her arm over Haley's waist, pulling the brunette closer.

"I love you." Peyton said softly.

"I love you, too." Haley whispered. She felt lips press against her cheek for a moment.

"Goodnight."


	18. To Keep Your Heart Whole

**A/N:** wow. it's been way too friggin long. really, really sorry about going MIA. kinda needed to take some time off, get my head out of the story. the next chapter is still really blurry. can't decide what to do with it. 

everybody who reviewed for the last chapter- thank you so much. i really hope you guys like this chapter.

**Chapter Eighteen: To Keep Your Heart Whole**

•••••

Peyton awoke a few hours later. Something was wrong. She felt an arm draped over her waist. Somebody was sleeping behind her. Haley. The night before came back to her in quick flashes. She had gotten slightly drunk. That explained some of what she was feeling, but she knew that wasn't the real reason why she was feeling as bad as she was. She took in a slow, deep breath, trying desperately to calm herself.

It was still dark outside. Her room was partially illuminated by moonlight. She stared at the painted faces on the wall in front of her as she focused on Haley's breathing, hoping to get back to sleep. In the back of her mind, she knew it wouldn't happen.

She could feel it starting. She remembered this same feeling from a few weeks before, the last time she had stopped using. The tension started in her chest, then spread through her veins until she could feel it in every cell of her body. She attempted another deep breath. This time, it was shaky. She felt the fear start. She didn't want to wake up Haley, didn't want her to know what was going on. She lifted Haley's arm off of her waist, and pulled out of the girl's grasp. She stood up and felt a strong wave of dizziness hit. She grabbed the table to steady herself.

"Peyton?" Haley whispered causing Peyton to jump. "What's wrong?" She rubbed her eyes as she sat up in the bed.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep." Peyton said quickly. Her legs were shaking violently, as though she were shivering from the cold. She didn't know how much longer they would hold.

"Why are you up?" Haley asked.

"I just need to use the bathroom." Peyton said. She couldn't see Haley's face to judge her reaction. She was sure the trembling in her voice gave her condition away but hoped Haley was too sleepy to notice it.

"Ok." Haley said with a small nod and laid back down. Peyton waited a few seconds, until she was sure that Haley's eyes were closed again, before she went off to the bathroom. She took three steps unaided. The fourth caused her to waver. She steadied herself on her record table. She took in a deep breath. She made it into the bathroom safely and closed the door behind her. She flipped on the light.

She leaned against the wall. Her legs felt like they were made of jello. She let herself slide down the wall and onto the floor. She brought her knees to her chest. The feeling in the pit of her stomach made her greatly doubt her ability to get through the next week sober. She knew it was going to get worse, much worse, before it would get better. She wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed, to rest her mind. But she knew she'd never be able to go to sleep. Not when she was like this.

She wished she had some cocaine then. She cursed herself for that one thought. If she had some still, she wondered if she would use it. Especially with Haley in the next room. A tear slid down her cheek at the thought that, if she had some, she probably would use it without a second thought. Just so she could stop the feelings that had been plaguing her for too long. More tears came when she thought of the repercussions of those actions, especially when she thought of Haley. Haley didn't deserve to have to mess with her.

She let her forehead rest on top of her knees as sobs began jolting her body. She didn't understand what was going on with her life. She especially didn't get why Haley wanted her, why Haley wanted to have to put up with her. She wasn't good enough for Haley. That thought caused a sharp pain in her stomach. She really wasn't good enough for Haley. She shouldn't be with her; it was selfish of her. The last thing Haley needed was to have to clean up Peyton's mess.

Peyton didn't feel an arm slip around her back, or fingers weave their way into her hair. She didn't notice when a second arm pulled her into a hug. She came out of her thoughts only when she heard a soft voice tell her everything was going to be okay. She wanted to believe the voice, but protested instead. She pulled back to be met with the brown eyes that she had fallen in love with.

"No." She whispered.

"No what?" Haley whispered back.

"We can't." Peyton pulled farther back and out of Haley's grasp. Haley studied her carefully.

"We can't what?"

Peyton couldn't bring herself to answer. Instead, she found the stream of tears had resumed. She looked away from Haley and tried to think of something that would keep her from crying.

"Talk to me, Peyton."

Peyton took in a deep breath to help calm herself and internally vowed to stop crying. She wiped her cheeks dry. A few more seconds passed before she turned to look at Haley. "It's nothing." She could see Haley needed more than that to be persuaded that everything was fine. "It's just... physically, I'm having problems with readjusting."

"But, Peyton, you were crying."

"I know." She looked away from Haley's brown eyes. She couldn't lie to her while she was looking at her. "It's just making me overly emotional. To tell you the truth," she winced at those words, "I don't even know why I'm crying." She looked back at Haley and offered up a small chuckle. "Just nerves, I guess."

"Promise?"

Peyton nodded. "I think I just need some sleep." Haley stood up and offered a hand to Peyton. Peyton allowed her to help her stand. Her legs were steady again. She couldn't help but wonder how long it would last. Her fingers were still intertwined with Haley's. Haley gave her hand a tight squeeze as she led Peyton back to bed. Peyton laid down on the bed and allowed Haley's arm to snake back around her waist. She shut her eyes, wanting to sleep but knowing it was going to be a long night.


	19. Whatever Lies Will Help You Rest

**A/N:** it's been two months. which is crap, I know. and I'm still not really sure where this is going. but I do which is the funny part. I guess I just don't know how to get there. but I've been working on the ending so once I connect the two, it'll be non-stop updating. just may take a while. it feels like it still has a ways to go. i'm gonna start forcing myself to sit down and write from now on, even if i'm beyond lost. hopefully it'll get me somewhere with this. but I wrote a new story (also OTH, see: profile), I got back into the show and this came out. I really, really hope you guys like it. the first part should really go at the end of the last chapter but oh well. 

to all you guys who reviewed and who were waiting for this- i really wish this hadn't of taken so long and i'm sorry. i really hope you like it. thanks for sticking with this through these past few (really sucky) months. summer's soon so i think it'll get better.

**Chapter Nineteen: Whatever Lies Will Help You Rest**

•••••

She could feel the warmth of the sun pouring through her bedroom window. A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Haley was still asleep behind her. She listened to her even breathing. She wished every morning could be like this one. She opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. Eight twenty-two.

She pulled herself out of Haley's grasp once again, this time feeling much better than the previous. She wasn't shaky or nauseous, but she could tell she was still on edge, despite waking up in such serene conditions. She stood and turned to look at Haley. The girl had a smile on her face. Internally Peyton hoped that her happiness wasn't temporary. She didn't want anything but happiness for Haley.

She went down the stairs slowly, not sure her body was really up to normal speed just yet. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of orange juice. After taking a sip, she went into the living room where she parked herself in front of a window and watched her front yard as the sun crept slowly higher in the sky.

She didn't jump when arms wrapped themselves around her waist. Instead, she leaned slightly back into their owner. She could feel slight breathing close to her right ear. She sighed.

"Good morning." She whispered as she placed a hand on the arms around her waist.

"It is, isn't it?" Haley whispered back causing Peyton to nod. They stood in silence for a few moments, both enjoying feeling the presence of the other so close.

"Want some breakfast?" Peyton asked while she traced circles on the back of Haley's hand with her thumb.

"I'm fine right here." She whispered. Peyton smiled and closed her eyes, focusing only on the body behind hers.

"Me too."

"How'd you sleep last night after you got up?"

"Wonderfully." Peyton said and opened her eyes. She had the sudden urge to do something. She pulled away from Haley and turned to look at the girl. Without hesitating, she leaned in and kissed her lightly on the lips, receiving a moan from Haley. "Every morning should be like this."

"I agree." Haley said with a smile. She pecked Peyton on the lips again. The clock on the wall chimed. "What time is it?" Peyton looked behind Haley at the clock.

"Eleven." Haley's smile dropped slightly. "Why?"

"I have a shift at the cafe at noon."

"Always working." Peyton said with a slight shake of her head.

"Yep. That's the problem with growing up. Not enough time to have fun."

"If you didn't have to work, what do you think you'd be doing?" Peyton asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Probably this." Haley said and kissed Peyton again. "Maybe some of this." She bent down and kissed Peyton's neck. "Maybe even some of this." She sucked at Peyton's pulse point for a moment, knowing it'd leave a mark on the blonde. She felt Peyton swallow hard. She then pulled back and looked Peyton straight in the eye. A smile crossed her lips as she said, "but we'll never know, will we?"

"You vixen."

•••••

She hated Mondays. They always seemed to have it in for her. When she woke up, she found that she was surprisingly devoid of any ailments. But she found her bed to be annoyingly empty. She hadn't seen Haley since Sunday morning, leaving her alone that night. One night with Haley in her bed and she was already used to it. She had laughed a bitter laugh, knowing more mornings would be spent alone than not.

She had looked at the clock and decided she was capable of going to school. Then she nearly ran into the principal when she was running to class. He gave her a firm lecture about the importance of watching where you were going and getting to class early, which lasted long enough to cause her to be late to class. She dropped her book bag on the ground and slid into her chair in the back row. She closed her eyes, wishing the day would get better quickly. She opened her eyes to find a piece of paper on her desk in front of her.

She stared at the white page. Two Cs. One in English, the other in art. Those were her two best grades. She cringed when she saw the other grades. She hadn't known they were getting progress reports that day, or even in the near future. She hadn't even thought of it. She never considered what her absences were doing to her grades. She pulled out her sketchpad and tuned out the teacher entirely, wanting to not think about it right then. It could wait until she was in a better frame of mind, when she was more stable.

When she got to third hour, Brooke was beaming due to her unexpected B in math. Peyton just forced a smile and nodded, adding in a not so enthusiastic "yay" for effect.

"So what do you have?" Brooke asked her. Peyton glanced away for a second, not knowing what to do. She searched for the teacher, hoping he would start class soon. "Peyt?"

"Yeah. I'm not doing so well."

"How bad is it?"

"Pretty bad." She finally looked back at Brooke. She internally cursed Brooke for having mastered the begging puppy dog eyes look so young. Peyton found she could never resist it. She handed Brooke her progress report. She turned away, not wanting to see Brooke's reaction.

"Peyton..." Brooke whispered, surprise showing through her tone.

"I know. It's bad."

"What happened? You're not really the F-student type."

"Just... a lot." Peyton said. She again glanced around the room, not wanting to talk about any of it there. There were too many people too close to her.

"Talk to me." Brooke pleaded.

"Here?"

"Then let's go." Brooke said and stood up. "Come on." Peyton stared at Brooke in disbelief.

"What about class?"

"We'll be here tomorrow. Come on."

"You do realize that skipping class is why my grades are so bad, don't you?"

"Missing one more day isn't going to hurt you. An F is as low as the grading scale goes. Now, come on." Brooke said and started her way out of the class room. Peyton didn't know why, but she followed Brooke. The teacher was no where in sight, and the bell had rung five minutes ago. Somehow they had easily managed to sneak outside to the tables. Brooke sat down then looked up at Peyton, expecting her to do the same.

"Brooke, we can't do this."

"We've already skipped. We can't go back now." She said with a small smile appearing at the corner of her mouth. "So talk to me, goldilocks. What's been going on?"

Peyton stared down at the brunette. She had called the girl her best friend since they were eight. She used to be able to tell her anything. But not this. She couldn't tell her about the drugs. "Brooke... I-I can't talk about this."

"Why not?" Peyton could see that Brooke was hurt, causing her to falter. She didn't want to hurt Brooke. "Peyton?"

"I-I can't." She said and took a few steps backwards. "I just can't." She took a few more steps backwards, before turning around and walking away from Brooke. She thought about going back to class, but only for a moment. Instead, she went to her car. She knew her actions would require explaining, but not then. She wanted out.

•••••

She let her eyes trace the wind-made waves on the river. Birds waded near the shore, attempting to catch an afternoon snack. She watched them carefully, studying their every move, begging them to distract her from the thoughts that were plaguing her mind, endless thoughts of mistakes, both past and present.

She had been sitting under the same tree for the past six hours. She only meant to stay for a few minutes, but after a half an hour had passed, she didn't think it was safe to go home. For the next few hours, violent tremors had struck her body at random. After the first two, she had decided that driving her car probably wasn't the best idea. She had longed for the end of the effects of withdrawal. But she couldn't help but feel like it was never going to end. Especially the mental side effects.

She kept replaying the scene with Brooke in her head, her mind working almost like a film projector. She could've just told Brooke everything. She should've. She didn't understand why she couldn't. She should be able to tell her anything. She was obsessing again. She had to stop. She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping it would help block out the thoughts.

"Hey."

She looked to her right to see Haley standing beside her. "Hi," she said softly. Haley sat down on the grass next to her.

"What are you up to?" Haley asked nonchalantly.

"Nothing." Peyton said as she looked back to the river. "What are you doing here?"

"I came with Lucas." Peyton looked back to Haley who then pointed back to the basketball court. Lucas dribbled a few times between his legs, spun, then made a basket. Peyton nodded at Haley then looked back to the river. "I tried calling you earlier."

"Oh. My phone must be in my car." Peyton said. Haley watched Peyton for a while before she decided to break the silence.

"Brooke was upset earlier." Peyton turned to look at Haley. "What happened between you two today?"

"Nothing really."

"Something must have happened if you're both upset." Peyton didn't respond. She didn't know what to say. She wasn't willing to tell Haley about her progress report. She didn't want to seem like a failure to her. Even though she knew it was an irrational fear, she didn't want to risk Haley thinking she was stupid.

"I nearly told Brooke about what has been going on." She looked over at Haley. "The cocaine... But I couldn't. She knows something's going on, that I'm not telling her something... I just can't tell her."

"You don't have to. All Brooke wants is to know that you're okay." Haley said. Peyton nodded slightly, her eyes dropping to look at the ground. "She just wants to help."

"I know." Peyton whispered. She felt it starting again. Without any noticeable provocation, her breathing quickened. She could feel her heart rate increase. Not here, not now. She looked down at her hands. They were starting to tremble.

"Peyton?" She heard Haley whisper.

"I'm fine." Her hands began shaking more. She felt the shaking travel through her whole body, causing her to get nauseous. She could never think of a time before when she had felt so unsettled. She closed her eyes, wanting to focus only on calming herself down. She took in deep, even breaths and thought squarely on peaceful thoughts.

Haley sat still, unable to think of anything there was that she could to do help. She knew what was going on. Peyton was going through withdrawal, and it was playing serious games with her body. There was nothing either girl could do to help. All they could do was wait.

"Sorry." Peyton whispered as she opened her eyes. After ten solid minutes of shaking, the attack had finally subsided, leaving her suddenly weary.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault." Haley said gently but firmly. "How long has this been going on today?"

"Five hours maybe."

"You've been here five hours?" Peyton nodded.

"Six actually. Once the shaking started, I didn't think I should be driving." She said and finally looked up at Haley. She saw only concern in the hazel eyes looking back at her.

"That was good thinking." Haley said with a small smile. "But you could've called me."

"I know. But you were in school. Once you were out, I decided I didn't really want you to see me like this." Haley nodded slowly.

"I understand. But I'm willing to do anything I can to help."

"I know." Peyton said smiling. "Thanks for that."

"Your welcome for that." Haley said, causing Peyton's smile to grow. "You wanna go home?"

"Oh, I thought you'd never ask." Peyton said and got to her feet. She was surprised to find she was steady. She held out both hands to Haley. Haley took them, allowing Peyton to help her up. They both headed towards Lucas. He had just chased down a ball when he noticed them.

"Hey, Peyt." She could feel his eyes pierce through her. She knew that he knew something was going on. He was giving her his patented questioning glare.

"Hi, Lucas." Peyton said back, giving him her best attempt at a real smile. She didn't want him to know anything.

"Luke, I'm gonna drive Peyton home, ok?" Haley asked quickly, wanting to get Peyton to the car before she had another shaking episode.

"Sure. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Bye." Haley said. Both girls walked past him towards Peyton's car.

"Bye." Lucas said after them. He watched them walk to the car and get in, Haley taking the driver's side. He found that arrangement to be strange. Peyton was sober, that much he could tell. He didn't understand why Haley would need to be the one to drive. He knew something more was going on. He'd been feeling that way a lot lately when it came to Peyton and Haley. Ever since he'd seen them at lunch last week. He had managed to figure out that something strange was going on between them then.

He watched them drive away from the Rivercourt. There was something going on that he didn't know about, and he had a feeling it had something to do with all of Peyton's absences. He remembered that night when he had nearly ran into Peyton a few miles from there. Something was definitely wrong with the blonde. He wondered if Brooke knew anything about it.


	20. Space

**A/N:** hey, second update this month. lol, that's sad. i wrote the bulk of this yesterday after having a breakthrough in the big ole boulder that is my writer's block. yay. hope you like.

to the six of you guys who reviewed the last chapter- thank you so much. your reviews are always very much appreciated. they always make me smile and keep me going with this story.

**Chapter Twenty: Space**

•••••

"Brooke!"

She turned around to come face to face with Lucas. "Hey, Luke," she said, producing a smile, dimples and all. He joined her on her walk to her next class.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" He asked. She stopped and turned towards him. She could tell he was worried about something. "It's about Peyton."

"What about her?" If he didn't have her full attention before, he did after mentioning her best friend. Lucas took a step toward her.

"Is she okay? I mean, I know about what happened down by the river last week. But I don't get what caused it to happen, you know?" Brooke nodded.

"I don't either. I tried talking to her about it. She admitted she wasn't drunk but wouldn't tell me what was going on."

"You don't think she was high or anything, do you?" He asked.

"No. She'd never do anything like that." She answered quickly. "But lately she's seemed fairly normal. Nothing unusual's really happened."

"Yesterday, she was down by the Rivercourt again." Brooke raised an eyebrow.

"When?"

"After school, around four. Haley went over with me to hang out while I practiced, and Peyton was there, sitting under a tree. The two of them talked for a little bit, then Haley drove Peyton home in Peyton's car."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Peyton seemed fine." Brooke nodded. After a long pause, Lucas asked softly, "what's going on with her and Haley?" Brooke raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"They seem like they're getting to be really close."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. It's just strange." He paused, thinking over what he was about to say. "The other night at Nathan's party, I saw them holding hands." Brooke froze, not knowing what to say to that. The bell signaling the beginning of class rang.

"Crap, I'm late. Bye!" She said quickly then sped off down the hall to her third hour, not allowing him the opportunity to say anything else.

•••••

Peyton sat down in English. The events of the previous day ran through her mind. She almost hoped Brooke wouldn't be there. She didn't want to face her or her questions. The bell rang signaling the beginning of class. A few moments later, she noticed Brooke walk through the door to the classroom. Instantly she grabbed her sketchpad and pretended to be working on a drawing.

She didn't pay attention to the instructions of the teacher. Her brain didn't feel like working. She felt her stomach contract in pain. Her pulse raced. She felt her body's temperature shoot up. A side effect. It's only a side effect, she thought. A note flew into her lap. She looked over to Brooke who gave her an apologetic smile. Peyton reached for the note.

"Ms. Davis." They both looked to the front of the room. The teacher was looking at them. "Ms. Sawyer. You need to go to the office." All eyes in the classroom were suddenly on them. Peyton watched Brooke stand up then did the same. They both walked slowly out of the classroom.

"Should we go?" Brooke asked Peyton as soon as the door closed.

"We'll get in trouble if we don't." Peyton said. Brooke nodded slowly.

"I have a feeling we're going to get in trouble if we do." Brooke said softly as they walked down the hallway to the main office. Brooke stopped at the door and turned to Peyton. "We don't have to."

"Yes we do."

"Haley really is rubbing off on you, isn't she?" Brooke said with a smirk as she opened the door. Instantly, one of the receptionists took notice of them.

"Principal Turner wants to see you," She said. Brooke looked at Peyton and raised an eyebrow. Peyton shrugged. "Girls?" The receptionist motioned towards the Principal's office. Reluctantly, they both stepped inside.

"Close the door." Peyton did as he said. "Have a seat." Both girls sat down in chairs opposite his desk. "I bet you're wondering what this is all about, huh?"

"Slightly." Brooke said sarcastically, earning a small chuckle from the principal. The laugh didn't help Peyton's nerves any.

"Security cameras caught the two of you skipping yesterday."

"We can explain-" Brooke started.

"I'm sure you can. I'm sure there's some valid reason why both of you felt the need to skip out of third hour." Peyton couldn't tell if he was being sincere or sarcastic. She guessed sarcastic. "But rules are rules."

"But-" Brooke tried again. Principal Turner held up his hand to silence her.

"Ms. Davis, you'll have to report this Saturday and the next for Saturday school."

"But Principal Turner-" Peyton could tell Brooke was offended. She'd never had to do Saturday school before.

"It's Saturday School or a three day suspension, your choice."

"So, when? This Saturday?" Brooke said with a smile, hoping to get him to forget his mention of a suspension. He nodded briefly.

"Now, if you'll excuse us, Ms. Sawyer and I have some business to discuss in private." Brooke looked from the principal to Peyton and back again in surprise. "Ms. Davis?" He said and motioned towards the door. She stood up and slowly walked over to it. After opening it, she looked back at the two. "I trust you'll go back to your third hour?" Brooke stared at Peyton for a moment before nodding. "Good. Goodbye." Brooke hesitated then left, closing the door behind her. Peyton could feel her hands begin to sweat. The principal turned towards her.

"This incident brought your recent attendance problem to my attention." Peyton nodded slowly. A pain shot through her stomach again. She tried her hardest to keep a straight face. "I have on record that you've missed eighteen days so far this semester." She nodded again. "Is there any reason. Are you having any medical problems or anything?"

"No." Peyton croaked out. She could feel her hands begin shaking. The principal nodded slowly.

"Then I'm sorry. You've missed too many days to receive credit for this semester. But there are still options for you. You can come back next year and be a junior again for the first semester. Your transcript is strong enough that you'll be able to graduate in time as long as you get some credits this summer. Or, if you feel that high school isn't challenging enough, or you just don't want to be here, you could go after your G.E.D." She nodded once. "I'm sorry, Peyton." She could see that he meant it.

"It's not your fault." She said, forcing a smile. "It's mine." She stood up. "I guess I should go get my stuff." She started walking to the door, wanting to get out of there while she was still composed. Her stomach was still aching.

"Peyton." She turned to look at him. "It's going to be fine. You're a bright, talented young lady. This isn't that much of a setback." She nodded and left his office. She wanted to get the hell out of the school before she had a nervous breakdown. Instead of going back to class to get her stuff, she went out to her car. She wanted nothing more to go home and pretend like today had never happened.

•••••

She put the cd into her computer and waited for the machine to recognize it. In order to cheer herself up, she went down to the music store and bought herself some new cds she had been eyeing. Currently, she was putting them on her Mac to get them onto her iPod. She clicked the import button and watched as Fall Out Boy's newest album was downloaded into her computer.

She heard her front door open and footsteps come towards her room. Earlier, she had meant to lock it, just in case Rick had decided to make an appearance. She didn't know that she was strong enough to fight him off today. She turned towards the doorway and waited, praying it wasn't him.

"Hey, best friend." Brooke said as she and Haley came into Peyton's room. Brooke laid down Peyton's books from English class on her desk and sat down on her bed. Haley had already made herself comfortable there.

"Hey." Peyton said to the two of them.

"Brooke told me you two got sent to Principal Turner's office today?" Haley asked. Peyton swallowed hard and nodded.

"We got caught for skipping yesterday. After all these years, I don't know why they suddenly care." Brooke said with a laugh. Peyton forced a small smile to hopefully cover her nervousness. "So what punishment did you get?"

"I, uh," she took in a ragged breath, "I didn't actually get one." She watched as Brooke's eyes went wide.

"What do you mean you didn't get one? I get two days of Saturday school and you get nothing? I knew he never liked me." Brooke said in one breath. Peyton locked eyes with Haley.

"What happened, Peyton?" Haley asked. Peyton could tell that Haley knew there was more to the story than she was getting. Brooke looked to Haley, examined her expression then looked to Peyton expectantly.

"I have too many absences to get credit for this semester." She said softly. An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Haley and Brooke digested Peyton's news.

"So what does that mean? You're not coming back to school?" Brooke finally asked.

"Yeah."

"Peyt," Brooke started in a gentle tone.

"I'm fine." Peyton said abruptly. She didn't want to get emotional, not in front of the two of them. They didn't need to worry about her. She really was fine. "He said I could come back next year. Everything will be fine." She said and forced a smile. "I just get a three month extension on my summer vacation. Nothing to be sad about."

"Are you really not bothered by this?" Haley asked. She really couldn't tell if Peyton was telling the truth or not. Peyton nodded.

"I could really use the time off. Just a few months without any kind of pressure." Peyton answered. "And he said I could take summer school then graduate on time. So this really doesn't mean anything." She wished she believed her own words. She could tell Haley and Brooke actually did.

"So everything's okay?" Haley asked. Peyton nodded again, this time more emphatically.

"Everything's fine." She gave Haley her best smile. She really didn't want the brunette to worry about her.

"We're gonna miss you at school, P. Sawyer. English is gonna suck now." Brooke said causing Peyton to laugh.

"I imagine it will." Peyton said causing Brooke to smile. "I'm just so much fun in third hour and all."

"Oh, you are, goldilocks. Especially on Mondays." Brooke shot back.

"You know you're gonna find yourself missing my bitchiness on Mondays." Peyton said.

"Perhaps." Brooke said with a small smirk then got serious again. "So what are you going to do with all of your new free time?"

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Probably same as always. A lot of drawing." Peyton said with a bit of a smile. Brooke shifted on the bed and pulled her phone out of her pocket. Haley and Peyton both looked to her. After a moment of looking at her phone, Brooke looked up at the other girls.

"Gotta go. Felix needs me to come over."

"Ew." Peyton said causing Brooke to shoot her a look.

"Get your mind out of the gutter." Brooke said, blew her a kiss goodbye and left. Peyton turned to Haley and smiled at her.

"You're really okay?" Haley asked, suddenly serious again. Peyton nodded again.

"Perfectly fine with it. This might surprise you, but most people don't like going to school." Peyton said. Haley's eyes went wide in fake shock.

"No? Really? I thought everyone loved it."

"Shows how smart you really are." Peyton said sarcastically. Haley stuck out her tongue at the blonde. "Ooh, and mature too!" Haley stuck her tongue out again, which prompted Peyton to do the same. A cell phone ring broke through the laughter of the girls.

"Sorry." Haley said as she answered her phone. Peyton nodded. "Hello?" Haley said into her phone. Peyton tuned her out and focused instead on the floor. She could still feel the pain in her stomach. She had been managing to block it out for a while. But now that she had nothing else to focus on, it was back. She looked up when she heard Haley say her name. "I have to go. Nathan has some pop quiz tomorrow that he's not ready for. Real surprise there."

"Oh. Ok." Peyton said and forced a smile. But she couldn't help but feel disappointed that Haley was leaving so soon.

"But I'll come back afterward. It should only take an hour." Peyton nodded.

"You should take my car." Peyton said causing Haley to raise an eyebrow.

"You don't mind?"

"Not in the slightest. The keys are on the table by the front door."

"Thanks." Haley said with a gentler tone. She stood up and walked over to stand in front of Peyton. Haley bent down and lightly pressed her lips to the blonde's. Peyton moaned into the kiss. "I'll be back as soon as possible." Haley said. Peyton watched the girl as she walked to the door and out of her room.

"I love that girl." She whispered, a smile appearing on her face. Today hasn't been all bad, she thought.


End file.
